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1  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: Torn between two worlds on: June 10, 2013, 03:28:44 PM

Barb S
Not only are you going through the most difficult time in your life as a mother who has lost a child. You are going through it for the second time.  I want you to know that no one on this earth would expect you to learn from these terrible tragic events in your life because there is nothing to learn. The death of both of your children was not to teach you a lesson. It was never meant for us to understand death only Jesus understood death and he is the only one who holds the keys to death, hell and the grave.  He said we would understand it when he returned and the world ended. Barb, the death of your first child was very difficult. I’m sure just as bad as Eric’s death.  I feel the reason you feel that Eric’s death is worse than Kevin’s, is because Kevin’s death is something you’ll never get over  and Eric’s death just added to it. Each Child is different and I admire you for posting your feelings on here. Some people just hold it all in and just explode later. I don’t understand depression and how some people can get through it and others need help from other things like drugs and some just give up and end it all. I believe that depression is a sickness that a person cannot help how they feel, they know that they are sad but they can’t see where their happiness is going to come from they see no end to the dome and gloom of life I know a lot of people that are depressed and its sad how the cloud of depression is so thick around them that it is so hard for them to get through to see the happiness that they can have in this life. Barb S., I want you to know that you are loved and I’m praying for you and your husband and as far as your cousins having a reunion I think it’s a good thing for you and I hope you went to it.
2  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: The pain will NEVER go away on: October 23, 2012, 07:13:55 PM
Izzy, Hi my name is Rita and I know I don’t post on here that much anymore but I do read what is posted on here often and I just want you to know that you are in my prayers. Oh how often I stop and think about the day I was told of my son’s death and even after 11-years it still hurts. I wish I could tell you that the memory of that day would go away but, unfortunately it doesn't. It just gets easier to deal with and the anger will get that way too.

 I remember walking down to the casket and looking at my son in the coffin. It was the longest walk I ever took. I remember it was like I was walking but I wasn't walking, it was me but then again it wasn't me. I thought how this could be happening to me. Not me; not my son!
I kept telling myself I've lived right and this kind of thing only happens to bad mothers it should not happen to me, I've been good. My questions were, what did I do wrong and I was telling myself that God hated me. From the time I was 14 years of age I had always wanted to live right and live for God.
I could NOT understand why my son was taken from me. It has taken a long time for me to understand that he was not taken from me; he was just returned to the one who loaned him to me.  I know you are probability thinking that I have lost my mind but if you will turn your heart to the one who created you and gave you 12 years of joy with your son. He will see you through this. People think I’m crazy and that I have lost my mind but see I would die myself if I had to live in the sorrow that I was in when he first died.

I asked Jesus to come face to face with me; I was so angry and did not want to live. So he gave me what I ask for he took me to a place to see the death of his son and how he died for me and my son so we could be together forever in heaven and yes I believe in heaven; that and God are my only hope. See he showed me that his love for me was greater than the love I have for my son. And he too was angry that his son had to die for you and me but if he had not died for us then we would not have the hope to live forever in heaven with our sons.
He has never asked us to understand he just ask us to trust in him. Izzy that’s what I’m doing I’m just trusting. Izzy see our sons are alive they are more alive than you and I are and if we keep our eyes open and fixed on Jesus then we will all be together again. Keep the joy in your heart that’s what your son would want for you.  This is part of a song I would like to share with you its call The Promise

 I didn't say you'd never taste the bitter kiss of death
 Or have to walk thru chilly Jordan to enter into rest
 But I did say I'd be waiting right on the other side
 And I did say I'll dry every tear you've cried
 'Cause you know I made a promise that I've prepared a place
 And someday sooner than you think you'll see me face to face
 And you'll sing with the angels and a countless multitude
 This is the promise, this is the promise I've made to you

Izzy I wish you the best, May god Bless you
A mother just trusting in Jesus to see me through

3  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: Two months since my daughter died on: August 19, 2012, 08:24:24 PM
I am so sorry for your loss Sad Please know that you are not alone there are a lot of members on here that will be here for you if and when you need them. You will be in my prayers may God bless you. If you ever want to talk just send me a message and I will send you my number.

4  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Stumbling block into my Stepping stone on: August 18, 2012, 12:59:20 PM
Hello Everyone,
It has been a while since I’ve been on here but a lot has happen in my life this past year and I would like to share it with you. Last year I was in so much grief I thought I would not make it. As most of you know that my 11 year old passed away in 2001. So 2011 was a hard year for me. It had been 10 years since I have seen him. My son drown in 6 inches of water, you may ask yourself how an 11 year old can drown in 6 inches of water; that is still my question after 11 years. No one performed CPR on him. The officer told me he was already dead and he did not have to perform CPR. Well after my son’s death I wanted to do something to help others so I went to nursing school but I never got to finish. I had enough education to get a job as a school health tech and in Feb of this year I had the opportunity to utilize my skills and save someone’s life. Because of my son’s death I want to learn how to save someone’s life if I ever had to. When the officer told me that he didn’t have to perform CPR; I told myself that I would not want to ever have to look at someone and tell them that I did not try to save their loved one’s life. In February of this year I helped bring someone back to life by using CPR and an AED. I was giving an Outstanding Citizen award from the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office and in July of this year I received a Certificate and a Pin from Cardiac Science the people who have the AED in the Schools for giving someone another chance in life. I was also recognized by the Okaloosa County School board.  You can go to my Facebook page and see the pictures and read the articles if you would like. This is the link to my Facebook Page  .  This has truly turned my stumbling block into my stepping stone now I am working on a project call Every Second Counts to be put in schools and I am now an inspirational speaker and doors are opening up for me. I feel my son’s death is not in vain.  Because as I was looking at that person on the floor blue and lifeless I saw my son and I wanted to everything in my power to save them. I feel everyone that is educated in the Every Second Counts project and saves a life is keeping my son alive. It’s not what you know it’s how fast you respond to the emergency.  Please pray for me as I take this new journey in my life.
I’m just a mother trusting in Jesus to see me through
5  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: Releasing Joseph's Bicycle... on: January 15, 2012, 10:26:04 AM

          I read your post and I know how you feel. Sometime I wonder if I did the right thing by giving all my sons belongings to someone else. You’re right you and I have already giving up a lot and yes it is hard giving up tangible things. But the hardest thing I have had to give up was the dream of him growing up and becoming a Dr. or a Lawyer. The song that Kenny Chesney sings “Who You Be Today” is the way I feel and as I look back on all the toys and clothes of his I have given away I can smile because I know that if he was here he would have already given them away. That was just the way he was.

         For the past year I have been sorting thing out in my heart and mind; this past year made 10 years for me and it seems like a life time. It was very hard of letting go of the anger and grief. I grieved over giving up the grief because I felt that if I was not grieving; then I didn’t love or think of my son.

             The past few months my computer has been out so, I have been reading and doing other things with my time. Yesterday someone gave me a computer which was such a true blessing. I know I’m not a counselor but I like writing about the things I went through and maybe just maybe; something I post might help someone. If I can help just one mother or father then I feel like my son death is not in vain.

         I work at a school as the school health tech/ nurse and in my spare time I write books and the other day I was offered a contract for one of them God has been so good to me and yes I am sad in away because I feel like I am moving on and how can I be happy when all I have known for the past 10 years is sadness and pain and now I feel like I’m lost because that is all I have know. But I know that if Emmanuel was here he would be happy for me just like Matthew is. It seems like my life is changing again Matthew is getting older and we are going into new adventures together I’m learning new thing with him and learning how to let him go and become the young man God intended him to be.

         I am growing in my walk as a child of God and as a mother, wife and friend I smile when my friends tell  me about their new grandbaby and I look at life as a new adventure that I want to take before I didn’t.  

          I know that I’m going to see my son again and when I do I want to be able to tell him that I lived life to the best of my ability and that I had great accomplishments and worked hard to help others as I was called to do. May God bless you Kim and the little child that gets the “Bike” may they have a great ride on the bike and in life.

I’m just trusting in Jesus to see me through

6  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: I feel like an alien sometimes and what is normal anymore??????? on: December 29, 2011, 07:47:11 PM
           Thank you for your responce and prayers.  I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this pain. I know how hard it is during the early years after the loss.  But even after ten years I still find myself wondering if I am going to wake up.  May God bless you.
7  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / I feel like an alien sometimes and what is normal anymore??????? on: December 21, 2011, 09:23:00 PM
​I know that its the season for giving and joy. Don't get me wrong I love this time of the year. Its a time when family and friends come together. But as I sit and watch my faimly having fun I feel like an outsider. I know that I'm smiling on the outside and dieing on the inside and as I look at the joy on their faces. I know that I was once like that before my son died.​ I was a carefree and easy going person I didn't worry about the things I worry about now. When he died a part of me went with him. I know that I have another son but I worry so much about him that it takes the fun out of being a mother. I guess the thought of having to go through another loss is something I'm not wanting to deal with and for some reason loss is always a presence in the back of my mind my son is the only loss I have had to face. I know that death is part of life and one day I will loss someone else that I know it is just part of being human but the pain of lossing my son was almost more than I could bear so I have a fear of lossing someone else in my life.​TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I FELL LIKE AN ALIEN MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT NOW AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. I AM ALWAYS LOOKING OVER MY SHOLDER IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING WILL TRIGER THAT FEELING OF SADNESS AND DEPRESSION AGAIN.​For the past ten years I have been just flowing with the season and my son now has never had a what others would say is a normal Christmas because I don't want to leave him with some one so he is with us when we buy Christmas. This year I felt realy bad because he already knows what he is getting. I feel like I am taking all the fun out of his life and I don't mean to its just I don't want him away from me for one second.  ​Sometimes I feel like I'm stilling from my son he loves going and doing things like evey little boy wants to but everything has changed in my life not his life he is still young and he don't understand my hurt. I don't want him to understand. I don't wish this on anyone. I know that there are a lot of parents that have lost more than one child and i think of how I am so blessed to still have my other son. I just need prayer and God to help me be the mother my son needs me to be. Mary Christmas everyone and thank you for letting me post my feelings on here without judgement it helps me I don't have a lot of money to see a councilor or buy a lot of books to read all I have is a pen and paper and this web site to vent on
8  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / : ( on: December 11, 2011, 08:43:57 PM
I'm just sad Sad I guess it just the time of the year. As one year ends here comes another year without him. I pray that God helps me through the holidays               
9  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: Are there any mothers that have lost more than one child out there. on: November 26, 2011, 10:02:34 AM
Lee Anne,

  After reading this I'm speechless and my eye are filled with tears.  I know that you hear the I'm sorries all the time. But I have to say I'm truly so sorry for your losses may god bless you and I will be praying for you this holiday season. I don't have much to offer but I am here if you need someone.
10  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Thanks on: November 21, 2011, 06:33:32 PM
I hope everyone has a Happy Thanks Giving You all will be in my thoughts and prayers

I have so much to be thankful for and the friends I have made on here are just some of those things that im truly thankful for
11  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Thank you for being that gift in my life on: November 09, 2011, 08:58:00 PM
Here I am, standing all alone! Wondering what to do?
My whole being is broken and as far as I can see there is no end to the emptiness that I feel.
My heart is filled with sorrow and pain. Everything is so dark around me!
Sometimes I have to stop and make sure this is real.
 Am I really not going to hold you in my arms tonight? 
Am I not going to see you live this life to its fullest?
 Am I really going to be the one that has to sit on the sideline of life and watch your friends get married and have children? 
   You were the reason I woke up in the morning and you were I believe what made the sun shine in my life. When things were going wrong, you would always make them right, you were the one that kept me going with your bright smile and the excitement in your voice when you would tell me mama everything is going to be alright.
   Now that I think about it no wonder God wanted you so soon. It was because you had so much love and compassion that he wanted you in heaven so he could share that gift with others. Just like the little breeze that blows on a horse’s back on a hot summer’s day and just like the tiny rain drop that falls when the crickets sing on that hot summers night.You were that gift in my life.   
    Emmanuel, it was always the little things that you thought of. When the whole world around us did not, you did! You always saw the good in the tiniest gesture. Like when you saw a smile you would smile because you knew that they were happy and that made you happy . 
    When you left I did not know how I was ever going to live again because when times would get tough you would do or say little things to get me through, just like when we did not have a place to live. You at the age of 5 told me. “Mama we don’t need a house we have each other.” Someone so young but yet so wise!  We never had money but we always had each other.
    Emmanuel, I am so proud of you. You completed the task that was set in front of you and that task was ME. You made me who I am today. You were put here to see me through and to teach me about the little things in life that mean the most.
     I now know that you are my guarding angle you were my guarding angle when you were here with me and now even when I can’t see you but yet I can feel you so close.
May Jesus hold my baby tight in his loving arms tonight and kiss him good-night
Good-Night my angle, may I see you in my dreams tonight
Love Mama
12  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / the world did not stop on: October 30, 2011, 11:33:22 AM
Now it is not about the ones who have gone on. It is about the ones left behind

Words By Reba
Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep as I cried myself to sleep, so sure life wouldn’t go on without you.  Lord the sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark I guess the world didn’t stop for my BROKEN heart .

Sometimes, when I hear this song I can’t help but to stop and wonder how many hearts are breaking at that moment and I fall to my knees crying just thinking that there might be someone out there that has no hope of a brighter day

May God Bless you all

13  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: STILL LOST on: October 29, 2011, 09:11:30 AM
Hello Brad,

My name is Rita and My wonderful son Emmanuel went to his new home 10-years-ago. What you wrote on here touched my heart and I want you to know that you are in my prayers. Brad there are times that I think I CAN NOT GO ON but when I stop and think about it I know that Emmanuel would want me to LIVE he would want me to live life to its fullest and as each day passes the baby steps of getting back to life have become a little easer. I know you probably think I am a crazy woman I know my son is gone but I thank God for the time I had with him and I know we will be together again but until then he wants me to LIVE so, Brad LIVE I know you dont know me but you and I have somthing in common we have a child that have made it they finished their work here and now they are reaping their reward in heaven. I did not know your little gril but Im sure she was a very happy child just like Emmanuel was and she would want her daddy to be happy. May God Bless you my Friend and I say to you LIVE.

Im just a mother trusting in god to see me through

14  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: Birthday is fast approaching... on: October 14, 2011, 07:58:30 PM
     The first Birthday without my son was so bad that I really don’t think I can remember what I did or if I did anything. I just asked my husband and he couldn't remember either, all he could remember is that I was still grieving real bad and that I had a lot of anger he said that I was mad because I couldn’t understand why I was having to go thru such awful heartache and pain while there were mothers on the news that could care less about their child.
    I thought that I was a good mother and life was not fair.  The question I had was why was my baby  taken from me when there were so many children out there in a home where they are being abused and neglected. I know that sound bad of me but that is what I was feeling at that time. I did not want any child to die. But, mine was being taking care of and there were other children that was suffering.

So, I guess I can only tell you what I have been doing now and in the past but I don’t know for how long I have been doing this. I give a present to a child in my town that is the same age as my son would be. For example; if it was my son’s 15th birthday then I would buy some clothes that I thought he would have liked and give them to another 15-year-old. I know it might sound creepy but looking and picking out new clothes for this child was like picking out my son clothes and could close my eyes and image how my son would have looked in them.

  But most of all it made me feel like the mother of a 15-year-old even though he was still 11 in my memory and I knew the child I bought it for would love to have the clothes or toys that I give to them and I know that Emmanuel is happy knowing that a less privileged child was receiving presents on his Birthday. WOW writing this has jogged my memory and now I know what I did for his first Birthday in heaven my friends and family and I donated 100 Bibles to Mexico in his name.  
  The first of anything is always the hardest but believe me it gets better as each Birthday comes and goes I will be praying for you on November 16th, My son’s Birthday is May 16, 1990 and his heavenly Birthday is June 20th 2001 both are days I will never forget I cried on both, one was tears of Joy and the other of Pain.  May God Bless; everyone that has had to go thru the lost of a child tonight.

15  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: What do you say to strangers? on: October 05, 2011, 09:21:28 PM
you know that is a very good question and even after ten years I still run into the question of how many children do you have? I could just avoid answering the question but then I would feel guiltly if I didn't mention anything about him so I tell them about him. Hearing the i'm so sorry for your loss has become apart of my everyday vocab.

When I tell them; the first thing they ask or say is "if you don't mind me asking but how did your son pass" I know that they mean well by it but it hurts because I really don't know how or what made him not be able to get his self out of six inches of water. It seems more and more these days I'm running into strangers and as I tell them I can see the expression on their faces of how they wished they would not have asked the question that started the whole subject.

In a way I understand that. Because, they feel bad for bring up the subject and as they are walking away they are feeling like they opened an old wound and as they leave i am feeling bad for making them sad because the only reason they asked the question in the first place was just to start a friendly conversation. So, If you find the answer to your question please let me know.

But for now I guess I will have to deal with the awkwardness because I dont think I could or would want to pass up the opportunity to tell others about him. May God Bless you  
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