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1  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When will the pain end? on: August 10, 2012, 05:08:19 PM
On the 8th of August my son has been gone for 8 months now. He was 28 years old. He was murdered by his wife of just 9 weeks. We have no proof of that but we know in our hearts she did it. I feel so helpless because 1 and a half months after she killed my son she was in another relationship and 5 months after his death she is married. She is 26 and on her third husband. She is happy and has moved on almost right after my son died but we I am  wondering how to live with this hole in my life. Mitchell has a nine year old son who will never know him. I am a different person now and will never be the same. I used to have a strong faith in God and believed if I was a good person, treat everyone like I wanted to be treated, God would never take what is most precious to me. I was kind and loving, tried to help animals and people when possible. Tried to be nice and even if I did not care for someone, I'd go out of my way to get along with them. I'd keep my mouth shut when people made me angry and just deal with it. But now, I am so very angry at God, and I feel no matter what kind of a person I am it does not matter. I have lost my faith in God and I have so much hate in my heart for my son's wife. I was never an angry person and did not hate anyone or anything but now besides grief and sadness I have hate in my heart. I cannot understand why God would take someone so wonderful, funny, loving and caring away from all those who need, love and want him, and leave horrible people wondering this earth with happiness in their lives. I am broken and will never be fixed. I don't know what to do with my life now, I have no will to do anything and I really don't care much for anybody or anything. Everyone tells me I am supposed to learn something from this and then I will start to heal. But I search and search and cannot make heads or tails of this life now. I feel like a zombie, not alive and not dead. All I do is cry and stare out the window. My husband and daughter have moved on. They don't seem to be affected at all by my son's death and everyone seems like they have forgotten about Mitch. I cannot understand how this happened. I miss him so much. I wish I could invent a time machine and go back to before this happened and never let it happen. I feel like I should have been the one to die, seeing has how now I am no use at all to myself or anyone else. All I can think is why, why, why. Everytime I see the woman my son was married to I would love to get a gun and blow her head off. But even with all the hate I have for her, I cannot do that as she has kids to care for. I used to think God would take revenge on those kind of people for what they have done but now I'm not so sure. All I want to do is move onto the next world and be with my son. I would not take my own life but I wish this pain, grief and torture would end. Today is not soon enough for me. I hope no one else feels like this, and others will heal but I don't know how to get out of this unending saddness.
2  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: July 25, 2012, 10:18:48 AM
Hello Suze, I am so sorry for your loss. It has been almost three months since I lost my son and I hate when people ask me how I am doing. I am not doing well and will never be the same person. Right after is happened, I used to tell people I'm doing as well as can be expected but I wanted to tell the truth. The truth was and still is, it takes time to find out how to live with this huge hole in my life, and it does not get better with time. I have talked with a friend of mine who lost her son 4 years ago and that's what she said. It never goes away, you just learn how to deal with it. I kind of knew that already by the way I have been feeling, but her saying it out loud just made me know it to be true. None of us will ever be the same, our lives will never be the same. My grandson, (my son's son who died) is very tramatized by his Dads death. He has a great Mom, but I know boys need their Dad and this scares me. We are all trying to help him as much as we can but I know there are things that there will be situations that will come up where he will need his Dad very much. He is a great kid and we love him very much. When he is here visiting and he sees me upset he will come over and give me a hug. His Dad gave great hugs too. I hope he will be able to deal with his Dad's death and it will not turn him into a bitter harsh boy. For now Suze, my answer to your question would be, be honest and let people know how you are feeling. You probably are still in shock, I was for a while. I felt like I was walking around in a fog, not many clear thoughts and so down-trodden, I couldn't even begin to see myself moving into the next day. It still feels like I was stabbed in the stomach but the fogginess is gone. Take all the time you need and don't be afraid to cry and let it out. Take care of yourself. Susan
3  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: July 16, 2012, 10:22:20 AM
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I still have this one lingering question as to why God takes our children. Like I've said before, I have always been a good person. Being raised,"do unto others and you would have them do unto you." So I always felt like I would never be the one to lose a child. Why was God so mean that he took our son after we as a family haved always tried to help others and treat people the way we wanted to be treated. I used to believe everything happens for a reason but I can't figure out what the reason is for my son's death. There isn't one as far as I concerned. Mitch had asthma for a long time. He had the usual illnesses as a child and then the asthma came on him. When he was under our insurance and he was able to get the preventives he was ok. Then he turned 21 and lost our insurance. He tried to get and keep work but everytime he got a job and physically exerted himself he would have an attack, because he had no preventitives. He then would get fired because he would miss work from the attacks. So he never worked anywhere long enough to get insurance to get the preventitives he needed. My husband has asthma and has had it since our marriage and before. But he has his preventitives. He would go without some of his meds to be able to give Mitch something to help him. So when he moved away we got him the cell phone and told him and his wife it was his emergency phone. Well she took his phone that morning for no apparent reason. He was always able to call 911 or someone to help him when he was having a bad attack. Without his phone he could not call for help. He was found dead with his nebulizer still in his mouth trying to save himself. I don't understand why those who needs meds for life threating conditions and cannot work and cannot get insurance, cannot get some kind of help from the state. My son tried but was turned down. Anyway, I too feel like my release from the world cannot come soon enough. It is just torture each and everyday and from what I understand it does not get easier. We just have to learn how to live with the pain. Well, I don't want to live with the pain. I don't even have a use here anymore. I'm just a burden to everyone around me. So I'll say again, I don't know why God did not take me instead. If God know all then he would have to know what this would do to me. I just don't understand any of this world anymore. I need a release from this pain. There is no joy in my life, nothing to look forward to, nothing to laugh at, no real need to still be here. Why, why, why can't I just be taken like my son? Why? Why do I have to go through this unending pain each and everyday. Why am I being punished? For what? I just don't get it. Why are the evil, and mean people allowed to live, to do more evil and mean things and yet my son, who was a good person, is gone. And then we are all left to suffer his death.
4  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: July 12, 2012, 11:37:08 AM
Hello to all, I haven't made any entries here lately. I've been trying to get better. I haven't. I still live in sadness every moment of everyday. When I wake up, it's a bad day. Why? Because I woke up. It's like a cancer, eating me up on the inside. I look normal from the outside. Putting on a smile for all to see yet, all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. I want to go where Mitchell is, I don't want to be here. I would not take my own life but I can't wait to go. Before Mitch died I believed in God. And now I'm not so sure. I have always tried to be a really good person. Helping my family, friends, animals. Always doing the right thing. And that being said I always thought God would be fair to me. I mean I've had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life and have always thought I was a pretty strong person to go through them, but I just "knew" in my heart, God would never take my children from me. But he did, and here I am. Lost in a sea of sadness, adrift with no direction. I am so mad at God. I have never been a particulary angry person but now I am. I just want to find something to take all my anger out on, but I find I just want to take it out on my son's wife. I have always felt from the beginning that she killed him. I still feel that way. It's been only 7 months since Mitch died and she has gone on with her life. A month and a half after Mitch was gone she was already with someone else. Just a few weeks ago, she got married to him. She has moved, closer to where I live, and I see her from time to time. I would like to know why she gets to live, why she gets to have a life, why she gets to be happy? My son is dead, not living, I will never see him walk into this house again, give me a hug, see his smile, hear his laugh. His son is so hurt, growing up without him. Will he ever know how wonderful his Dad was? I hate God soooo much for taking him away. We never got to say goodbye, we just helped him move, he was finally growing into an adult. I miss him so very much. I don't feel, alive or dead, a zombie I guess. I just exist. No reason for being around really. I have no drive, no reason for getting up. I get things done, just what I have to but I don't know why. I have never experienced a pain such as this. I talked to a friend recently that I haven't talked to in many years. She just kind of fell off the face of the earth. I never really knew what happened. She called me to see if my daughter was still giving horse back riding lessons. She asked me how I was and I said ok. She knew right away something was wrong. I told her Mitch died 7 months ago. She told me her son had been murdered 4 years ago. I could not believe it. That's why she dissappeared. We talked for awhile and she told me, the pain never goes away and it never gets easier, you just have to learn how to live with it. I don't know if I want to live like this the rest of my life. I wouldn't call this living. It's just too hard. Do you ever really find any happiness again? I want to turn back time and change things. Maybe if we had not bought this house Mitch would still be alive, maybe if we would have just rented somewhere he would not have met this person who he married. Then maybe he would be alive. All the maybe's, all the what if's all the questions. I feel like a total failure as a mom. That's all I've been pretty much my whole life and I thought I was a pretty good Mom. Always putting my children first, always being there for them when they needed me. They all reached adulthood and I took a sigh of relief. I guess I sighed too soon. My son gone at 28. I failed at being a good parent for him. I wasn't there when he needed me. I can't ever forgive myself for that. That is the reality. I am going to see a physic soon, I hope I can find some answers there. Take care all. Susan
5  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: March 28, 2012, 08:26:56 AM
Each day to me is another day in grief, pain, sadness, lonliness and regret. I feel sometimes like I make some progress and then I seem to go in reverse again. Everything I do, see, and experience seems to remind me of Mitchell. I just don't know why it could not have been me that went instead. He had his whole life in front of him, his son needs him. I just don't understand why God had to take him. I really trusted that God would never do something like this to me. I have been through alot in my life and always thought I was a very strong person but this has taken me to my knees and I just can't seem to get up. It's as if nothing matters anymore. Why bother fighting for you children to try and keep them safe so they can grow and become an adult so they can make their own life, if God takes them when they are so young. I just don't understand it. Mitchell has had asthma since he was just a small boy and his Dad and I did everything we needed to, to be able to get him over all of his attacks. How many times we had to run him to the e.r. just to save his life. How many times the ambulance was called to the house to rush him in to save his life. As parents we try to be so careful with our children, to get them through all of their cold, flu, teething, ear infections, stranger danger, so on and so forth. For what. When you get done with that and they reach adulthood, you feel you can take a sigh of relief. But then something like this happens and you ask yourself why? We are all suffering without him. Nothing will be the same. I won't be the same. Things feel like nothing is quite right anymore. I just don't know how to get through this. I don't know how all of you have done it. I just with I could have gone before him. I lost my Mom and Dad in 1089, they died less then 3 months apart, while my husband was fighting in the gulf war. I loved my parents and had a good relationship with them but when they died it was hard but it was something you expect, you know that is the way it is supposed to be. You prepare yourself but this is pure torture. In recent years I have lost so many people who were dear to me. Other family, friends, but this is nothing like that for me. I hope time heals but I know for me, I will be forever changed, everything I do now, is different. I sure wish there was a way to understand it all, but I can't see that happening.
6  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: March 11, 2012, 12:53:45 PM
Yes, I know it is so hard to know that your child has died and no one is there with them. Mitchell was gone for several hours when they found him. They estimated he died somewhere around 6-7 a.m. and his wife did not come home until almost noon. He was sitting in the bed with his nebulizer machine still going and his eyes were open. He was still trying to save his life trying to get his meds in him. If he would have had his cell phone I believe he would still be alive. But his wife took the phone to work with her that day which I still don't understand. She has no explaination as to why she took it and her and I don't speak now because of it. I don't mean to bad mouth but she is a very selfish person. She even decided to take care of her needs before getting Mitchell's meds. Again, I just have so many questions that bother me so very much. I hope it will be shown to me someday. It sounds like your son and mine had alot in common. Maybe they are together in heaven right now. Take care. Susan
7  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: March 09, 2012, 04:02:54 PM
Hello Olivia, Thank you and to all of you who have wrote a reply to me. I cannot understand why God did not take me instead of Mitchell. He was only 28. I was just starting to get to him as a man. He was such a funny guy. Always trying to make people laugh with funny faces and sounds. He always did things just a little different. He was warm and loved to give me hugs just because. He loved animals, even the strange ones like spiders, snakes and he was the one that got me hooked on watching the Croc Hunter. He loved him and that show because Steve Irwin loved the "unloveable" animals. I too cannot stop thinking about Mitchell. Every morning he is the first thing on my mind and the last thing I think about when I'm falling asleep, when I can sleep that is. None of us got to say goodbye either. I watched the medical examiner and a police officer carry Mitch's body out of his apartment in a body bag. That is not something you ever want to see. It is soooo hard for me to believe he is gone. He was such a big personality.
Even with his asthma being so bad he still tried to help out the best he could and be there for those he loved. I just cannot say enough how I miss him more then words can describe. I don't understand any of the reasons why God took him and why God takes any young people but I hope some how I will find out. Thank you all so much for reading and responding to my sorrow. You are the only ones who seem to understand. Susan
8  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: March 08, 2012, 01:47:16 PM
I am so sorry for all of our loses here. I just watched the video that was sent to me with the packet from Susan. I see all those people that seemed to have carried on and are happy now and I just cannot imagine if I will ever get there. Today it has been 3 months since Mitchell has died and I've been crying all day. I still have so many questions that will never be answered and I am so tired of putting on a happy face for everyone so they don't worry about me. I'm sad everyday, I'm not the same and never will be. I have no answers to anything anymore. No one in my family wants to talk about Mitch or his death. My husband doesn't, my daughter and other son don't either. All I want to do is talk about him and his death. I feel like I've got some sort of disease or something. I know everyone grieves differently but I feel so isolated. They all go on with their lives and are moving forward and I feel like I am standing still. Walking around in a circle not knowing where or what to do. I get up everyday and do the life things that need doing but there just doesn't seem to be a point to it all anymore. My new phase for my new life now is "Why bother". I know it's sounds horrible because I have other children and a husband but there seems to be this big black hole where Mitchell used to be, and I guess I'm the only one who sees it. Does it help to go away from all the things that remind you of your child? Does it help to make the pain easier? Right now I don't think the pain will ever ease. I wish I knew someone in my area that was going through this, because I know they would understand. It's a horrible club to be in, I never thought I would be a parent who lost a child. I hurt so I know he is gone but yet I feel like he isn't gone. Does that make any sense to anyone. His birthday was on Thanksgiving, his last birthday was on Thanksgiving. How will I ever get through another Thanksgiving again? What do you do when Mothers Day comes, or Christmas. Or any family holiday? It's hard enough just to get through a regular day. I go in the basement and just sob and scream, "why", why couldn't he hang on until help got there, why did he just give up, why didn't his asthma meds help this time? I just don't understand anything these days.
9  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: February 27, 2012, 10:00:48 AM
Well, it will soon be the 3 month anniversay of my son's death. There are never any days that go by that I don't cry. Yesterday my daughther, my grandson, (my son who dieded son) and his mom went to Chuck e. Cheese for some fun. Well all I could do was sit there and think about the last time I was there, with my son and his son. Everywhere I looked I could picture him, smiling and laughing and having fun with his son. When we left there I was so tired out and emotinally drained I couldn't do anything when we got home. That happens alot lately. I am so focused on the morning he died, all the questions that will never be answered. The first 3 nights after he died I kept waking up thinking I was hearing him calling me for help. I worry so much that he was scared and alone and suffering. He had severe asthma and that's what we think he died from. We could not afford an otoposy. But he had been taken by ambulance to the hospital, for a severe asthma attack, on the 6th of Dec and was released the next day. Then on the morning of the 8th he died. Mitchell's Dad and I decided to get him a cell phone months before his death, in case he had an attack, so he could call 911 if he needed to. Well, his wife took his cell phone that morning to work with her, for what reason I don't know, and I feel like if Mitchell would have had his cell phone he would still be alive today. Every other time he has ever had an attack he has always had time to call for help. Well his wife came home to find Mitchell dead in bed, sitting up with his nebulizer still going and in his mouth. That tells me if he had time to take his nebulizer he had time to make a 911 call, but could not because he did not have his phone. I am so angry at his wife, I feel like she murdered him. She and I have never got along and I never wanted him to marry her. She has always been very selfish and always had money to get her hair and nails done but not to get my son's asthma meds. I have asked her what happened that morning and she has given me 3 different stories. I know she lies all the time so I just gave up trying to get the truth. I got Mitchell's death certifacate hoping it would state time of death but it does not. It does say cause as asthma, but I just don't know. Was it something else? Why or why did she have to take his phone that morning? Why? Did Mitchell call out for help, did he suffer, was he scared? These questions are eating me up. I have prayed for peace, for answers, for guidance, but I am still so angry. My husband says, just to let it go, nothing will bring him back but I just can't. I don't think I will ever find peace with all these questions left unanswered. He was only 28. Asthma is treatable. He should not be gone.   
10  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: February 13, 2012, 06:44:08 AM
I have so much healing to do. I know this is the right place to start. I feel like I really don't have anything to offer all of you, and you have all been so kind to me. I hope at some point I can offer help too, but right now I think I'm still to raw.
I cannot believe the wonderful people here. I only wish we did not have to lose our precious children to get into this "club" so to speak. It feels as if most of my family doesn't even want to talk about Mitchell. I need and want to talk. My husband says why talk about it, nothing can bring him back, and my daughter says it's too painful to talk about. My oldest son, Matthew lives quite a ways away and is busy with his wife and son and job, and the few times I have said something to him, I can tell he is uncomfortable about it. So all of you and my sister is about it. Thank God I have that. I feel as if I have lost so much over the last 2 1/2 years. I am a big animal lover and used to belong to two different rescues. I had four small dogs who have all since gone to the rainbow bridge, my brother-in-law, nephew, mother-in-law, and now my son. It took me about 2 years just to be able to talk about my favorite dog, without coming to tears. He was such a big help with problems in my life. I was alone alot when all this happened and he was all I had to pull me through but he passed away almost 3 years ago now and boy I wish he was still here to talk to. I know it must sound crazy to some people that don't have pets but he was my first rescue and such a wonderful boy. He had gone through so much abuse in his previous owners home, but after some time he became a wonderful trusting dog to our family.
It is very strange because, I know Mitchell is gone but yet sometimes I don't. I mean I feel like he could come walking in the door any minute. Or I feel like calling him to find out how things are going, when I'm on the computer, that maybe he will contact me. But my head tells me the truth. The other thing that is strange is that I have become very scared of letting my other family members go out driving. It feels like any minute they could be gone too. Some times, time stands still and sometimes it just zooms by. I can't believe Mitchell has been gone for 2 months already. With the way the pain feels, it's like he just died yesterday. I am trying to carry on with everything like normal but nothing is normal and will never be again. I guess I need to find the new normal, whatever that is.
11  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: February 08, 2012, 10:29:31 AM
Thank you for your kind words and this being the 2 month anniversary of Mitchell's death, I have to say it's not a good day. Of course most of the days in the last 2 months have not been good. I have moments that are tolerable but that's about it. I don't want to go out of the house much and only do what I have to. I sit and stare out the window, alot at nothing. I have so many questions about his death that I know I will not find out until I too cross over, but those questions not being answered are some of what keeps me in pain and anger. I am by nature not an angry person, I feel that it is too hard to carry around anger and it takes away your strength to get through each day, but right now I am angry. I want answers to why my son had to die. I have questions about why he died alone, what were his last thoughts, feelings, was he in pain, did he suffer. For many nights after his death I would wake up in a panic that he was calling for me to help him.  In the past I have always been able to help him get to the hospital or call 911, but why couldn't he call 911 that day? I feel like a zombie. I'm dead but yet alive. Each moment of each day is torture. There is this huge hole where Mitchell used to be. He was such a loving person, always wanting to give me hugs and spend time with me. We made plans of things we wanted to do together in the summer but now that will never come to pass. Everywhere I look, I think of him, everything I do I think of him, it's hard to sleep, I can't keep my mind on anything and my memory is short lived. I just want to turn back the clock and erase that day. I want to save him. Everything is do different now and it seems no one even notices. Doesn't anyone else care that Mitchell is gone. Doesn't anyone else have these same questions, feelings, anger? I am so glad I found this place, at least I can talk to you kind people who understand. I wish none of you dad to go through losing your child. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. How and when will that pain stop? Is there any way to get through everyday without feeling like this? Susan R.
12  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / When does the healing start and how do you want to go on? on: February 07, 2012, 08:53:21 AM
Hello to all, I am new here. I lost my 28 year old son two months ago tomorrow. I can't stop crying. I can't seem to find out how to start healing, and wanting to go on everyday. I feel like-why bother, what's the point? I cannot believe how hard this is. There is this huge hole in my life where my son used to be. I have read some of your posts and I cannot even imagine how you can go on with this never ending pain, for months or even years. Everyone in my family does not want to talk about it. They go on as if nothing has changed, and my whole world has changed. Nothing will ever be the same ever. When I used to think about my children, I would think about their firsts. Their first word, first step, first date, and so on. Now I think of my son with lasts. His last meal, last breath, last thought, my last hug I got from him. Last time we spent time together and so on. I cannot smile, laugh or even feel anything but sadness, and emptiness. I just want to scream out- My son is gone from this world, doesn't anyone care? I just don't know what to do. Susan
13  Primary Message Board / Primary Board / Re: wanting to live? on: January 31, 2012, 04:07:12 PM
Hello to all, This is my first time here and from what I am reading I am in the right place. I lost my 28 year old son on Dec 8,2011. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am in constant unbearable pain. I don't know how all of you do this everyday. I too don't want to get up in the morning. Each day is just another day filled with torture and sadness. I get up and do what I have to do but I feel like I am alone in all this. I don't know how to stop the tears and sadness. I can find no happiness, no matter what I do. Driving is especially hard. I have to turn on the radio just to keep myself calm enough to drive. I wish so much it could have been me that left this world instead of my son. I don't understand why he had to go and how he died just doesn't make any sense. I want to blame someone, I want to turn back the clock so I could save him. Why did he have to die alone? Was he scared, what were his last thoughts, was he trying to get help? I have so many questions and I know I can't find the answers. Everyone else in my world just seems to go on as if everything is fine. Things seem the same but everything is different. I can't find any ambition to do anything then just what I have to. I feel like I want to run away, go somewhere away from this constant pain and suffering. I want some hope to hold onto, something to be able to get through, but I don't know where to look. How could this have happened. Everyone says God won't give anything you can't handle, and I always believed that but now I am questioning that. I don't want to be strong anymore for everyone else, I want to crumble and have someone else pick me up. I want this horrible nightmare to be over and someone wake me up and tell me it was a nightmare.
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