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 on: April 14, 2014, 08:51:33 AM 
Started by Josephs-Mommy - Last post by Josephs-Mommy
 Dear Dr. Gloria

 It has been 8 1/2 years since my son Joey died due to an unknown airborne virus localized in his lungs, symptom free, until fatal night..  In just a day my vibrant only child was dead.  It is hard to articulate but after now 8 1/2 years I don’t feel the recall of the actual memories of our days together like I use to.  And why I am not as attached to seeing photos of us now?  And I actually would prefer no photos of him out at all.  When I glance at the few remaining pictures I actually think it is someone else there.  It is hard to explain it.  Did I get amnesia? PTSD?  Why am I so detached?

 Dear Kim,

 I have long believed eight years to be a milestone in the therapeutic process for bereaved parents.  Research on the death of a spouse has shown four years to be a milestone for recovery after loss.  I believe it to twice as long with the death of a child as there is in most cases a biological as well as physical connection.  Social learning theory tells us that we must do things at least 30 times before we can assimilate new information.  Learning to parent children takes years as does learning to live without them.

 Regarding your response to looking at photos.  As human beings it is built into our physiology to avoid pain and to seek pleasure.  The memory centers of the brain are very closely related to the pleasure and pain centers.  Looking at pictures and recalling memories in full detail can trigger our pain centers and when this is the case we naturally avoid this activity it is part of the healing process.  Early on we my feel guilty about this process but as the years go by we wonder about this change.   Different things trigger different people.  My husband enjoyed making albums of family pictures after our son’s death but for me I am more like you.  The occasional picture is fine but reminiscing on his life through photos causes me discomfort.

 In Short I would not call you detached I would call you one who has move from Victim to Victor.  Enjoy the new life you have forged for yourself.  You deserve it.

 Fondly, Dr. Gloria

Dr. Gloria Horsley
Open to Hope West Coast

Open to Hope East Coast
125 West 72nd Street Suite 6F
New York, New York, 10023

 on: March 31, 2014, 02:21:16 PM 
Started by Zacksmom98 - Last post by Zacksmom98
My entire world was turned upside down almost 16 years ago. I found out at 16 weeks there was a problem with my baby.  During my ultrasound the Doctor said there wasn't enough amniotic fluid. A week later I went for a level 2 ultrasound.  I had to lay there for almost 2 hours while technicians stood over me and I had no idea what they were saying.  I started to cry and asked about the baby they could not tell me what was wrong.  I had to wait all day for my Doctor to call me with results.  She said the baby had a blockage in his bladder and said I could have surgery he would be fine.  I would have gone through any procedure to help him.  At 19 weeks I was sent to see a Genetic Counselor I was told I had to go before surgery.  I went to the appointment after I gave the information my world was shattered.  I learned there was no hope for my son my Doctor lied to me about his condition.  She knew the day of my Level 2 ultrasound I received the same report she received the day of ultrasound.  My husband and I had to go to Duke University Hospital to have the baby.  The Doctor was wonderful at Duke she did an ultrasound and confirmed his heart was slowing down.  We learned his major organs were shutting down one by one he passed away on September 11, 1998.  Our oldest son was 14 months old he could sense something was going on with me.  He was my reason for living, having him forced me to get up and take care of him.  I had to mourn for my son on my own my family and husband never spoke of him.  I don't know if they thought it would upset me or they didn't know how to handle it.  I think it is dangerous to let someone go through this alone.  Almost 16 years later he still is never mentioned not a day goes by I don't think of him.  Please don't let anybody go through a death of a child alone all I wanted was someone to listen.

In Memory of Zackary David Grice 9-11-98
Forever in my heart

 on: March 30, 2014, 04:50:29 PM 
Started by domsmom - Last post by Zacksmom98
I have learned that I am stronger than I thought.  Losing a child is the hardest thing to go through. I lost my son when I was 5 months pregnant.  I had to grieve for my son by myself my family and my husband never spoke about him.  I don't know if they felt that would be best not too.  Still to this day 15 years later he isn't ever mentioned it has really hurt me.  Before Thanksgiving I was reunited with someone who is very near and dear to me.  He did not know about my son that I lost I told him everything that happened.  He said you don't seem to have a problem telling me about your son.  I have never had a problem talking about him the problem has been finding someone to listen.  I have shed many tears for my son alone.  I am thankful for our oldest son if it wasn't for him I am not sure how I would have survived.  I had to get up and take care of him I couldn't lay around curled up in a ball.  My son was only 14 months old he could sense something was wrong with me. 
My family didn't want my boys to learn about their brother.  Both of my boys have been told by me about their brother they needed to know.  He was apart of me for a short time.


 on: March 30, 2014, 03:07:22 PM 
Started by TanyaL - Last post by Zacksmom98
I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my son 15 years ago I know the pain and heartache you are going through.  The only way I got through it was I had to take care of my oldest son.  I also joined a support group don't hold your feelings in talk to anybody who will listen.  Some days will be good some bad we all go through it. Every year on the day he passed away I get a balloon and release it.  Cherish the memories you had with her I know it was short. Not a day goes by I don't think about my son.  I didn't have much time with my son.  It does get easier with time in September it will be 16 years. I still have moments I cry about him.  Again I am sorry for your loss.


 on: March 19, 2014, 05:22:28 PM 
Started by Angelys - Last post by ollee105
H i...I wish i would have read this yesterday.  I have not been on here in a while.  I lost my son, 24 years old 3 years ago in Feb 2011.  His birthday seems to be the hardest day for me.  Harder than X mas or his angel date even.  I think,  "he WOULD have been 25, then 26.  My family and I have gotten together and had a balloon release.  There are some great poems that can be read during the release online (google balloon release poems).  There is something about watching the balloons fly up so high, until you can't see them any more,  and picturing my baby up there in heaven , watching all the balloons that are for him, that gives me some peace.  We take markers and write messages on them.  I have a jar at his "garden" with a pen in it, and sometimes his visitors/ friends  will write him messages or notes for him and leave them in the jar.  I've had to empty it once already.  But i, myself, also will leave him messages and place them in his jar.  His two kids also will sometimes draw or color a page and leave in his jar.  I'm so sorry for your pain, for the loss of your baby.  what we have gone through is UNDESCRIBABLE.  Words can not explain that hurt that makes us feel like our throats will explode.  There is a song that i listen to often, very often on youtube.. Please listen to it.  It's called "dancing in the sky" by by Dani and Lizzy.  I heard it recently for the first time and i thougt" thats exactly how i feel about my son"....I hope it brings you that feeling it brought to me.....hugs to you and your family and your sweet angel..

 on: March 18, 2014, 08:26:43 AM 
Started by Angelys - Last post by Angelys
Hello to all,
I lost my son, Ethan, at the age of 14 months. He was a happy, healthy toddler. So full of life. He passed away from severe brain trauma after being beaten by his father. The trial is finally over, and things are starting to get back to some semblance of normal. But, tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been three. It seems like every time I have made forward progress toward healing, something has come up to bring it all back to the surface again. I begin to think that I am okay, then something like his birthday being tomorrow comes up and it reopens all the wounds again. I need some tips on surviving both birthdays and angel days.


 on: March 09, 2014, 08:33:23 AM 
Started by Josephs-Mommy - Last post by Josephs-Mommy
Mitch Carmody
post reposted from FACEBOOK by Permission

Someone asked me recently how is grief like winter? (mind you, I live in Minnesota)
I replied that they both suck. The intensity of helplessness in a long cruel winter of too many gray days, subzero temperatures, mountains of snow and treacherous roads is very close to deep grief. We can do nothing to change a horrid environment that seems to get worse before it gets better. It is even more challenging in early grief when we are clueless to this kind of intensity of storm that has settled in for such a long stay. We can stay inside and hide from the storm, but eventually we have to go grocery shopping. A sucky winter or our deep grief, we eventually have to deal with the harsh environment outside to survive.
As long and harsh as this winter has been for most us in this country we may now endure many floods and have more issues and challenges to confront with the huge spring run-off .People may endure more losses, more than they bargained for and wonder of the cruelty of life. As is with our grief journey when loss can follow loss when we are already out of gas, how do we do it?
There is ALWAYS a spring, sometimes late, sometimes early but it does come, and the snow covered fields and icebound lakes will restore the water tables low from the summer drought. We will have more winters and grief guaranteed, but the spring always comes and restorith all things; on this earth and in our grief...spring will come on its own accord. This is why I plant tulips, just when I think I will never make it through I see a tulip bloom and I find hope again. In our grief we need to plant tulips.

 on: February 23, 2014, 02:48:33 PM 
Started by MissingMySon - Last post by ermcgary94
 Cry I understand why you are saying.  I am going through my son's death but I am still very numb.  I am pushing it down so I don't think about him being gone it's too painful. 

My daughter Fallyn is 13 and I know she is doing the same.  I want to find a sanctuary to go to in my backyard where it's peaceful and sit and mediatate because I know it's going to hit me sooner than later and I don't want it too.  I scared to death of the pain and that I won't be able to get through it. 

I don't know how to let myself heal  I am seeing a therapist and she has said to take my time don't rush yourself it will come.  I hope that is right.  Cody died November 23, 2013 and was my first baby I still can't imagine him being gone. I love him so much and want to have dreams with him in them coming to me and saying I'm okay.  I need that. But no dreams so far except for one with him with a police bringing him home and saying that he was in jail for the last 3 months he looked terrible.  But he was alive that was my wonderful dream.  I wish all of this could have been a terrible nightmare and i'm waiting to wake up.

 on: February 11, 2014, 08:27:57 PM 
Started by MissingMySon - Last post by Loraine32
My son was 26 when he passed in 2005.  Two years is so very little time to even begin healing.  I think the first year is shock and the second is dealing with the reality of trying to live without the physical presence.  I know exactly what you mean about keeping Bud around you with his shirt, shoes, etc. 

I have a daughter who was 13 years old when her brother passed and she says I became over protective of her but I am pleased to say that eventually I lost the fear of losing her and I hope the same happens for you.  For a long time I was so numb that it was very difficult to engage with other people, even close family and friends.

Friends and family can have high expectations of our "healing/getting over it" and it borders on cruelty at times.  They just have no idea of the depths of helplessness and despair the loss of a child causes.  As you mentioned we anticipated marriages, progression in jobs, enjoying getting older with all of our family together but unfortunately it was not to be.

I personally made a flower garden and a piece of the yard into my sanctuary and it helped a lot.  Perhaps with time, you will find a memory project that gives you a special place in which you find peace and comfort.

There are postings of poetry and letters on the home page of this website that may be helpful.

Lots of love
Campbell's Mum

 on: February 10, 2014, 05:03:25 PM 
Started by MissingMySon - Last post by Loraine32
I am so sorry for the loss of your only son. 

The early years are very painful and I wanted to post that while I have lost a child, he was not my only child but my heart goes out to you. 

I would advise you to sign up for the mailing letter on this website.  The compassion and understanding I received helped me on the grief journey.  Take comfort that there are others like myself who thought it was just too hard to navigate the grief but day by day, things get easier, even if at times you slip back into the dark veil of grief.  With time when the darkness comes, you know that it will end.  There is no easy solution but I hope that knowing others care, eases the pain a little.

May you find solace in happy memories when the grip of grief eases a little and with time it will, I can promise that to you. 

Thinking of you and your loss.

Campbell's Mum

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