griefHaven Forum - Where hope resides

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July 10, 2014, 01:30:10 AM *
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 on: July 08, 2014, 08:09:47 AM 
Started by domsmom - Last post by Sonnys Mom
 I used to be a social butterfly. In these 9 months that I lost my girl, I have no desire to be social outside of family or work. I don't relate to others as easily as I used to unless it is another bereaved parent.

 on: July 08, 2014, 08:05:25 AM 
Started by SofiasMom - Last post by Sonnys Mom
My infant daughter died at 12 days old and I can relate to this question. This also falls in line with "how many children do you have."  I dont think it is up to us to be silent in our grief. It is up to us how we choose to answer. My feeling is that people have to understand that not every scenerio turns out well so unless they are prepared for honest answers, they shouldn't ask questions. If you are not up to discussing the details, say so. Tell the other person my daughter passed away and I am not up to speaking about the details right now. In order for child loss to be an acceptable topic to discuss, it is up to us parents to educate others about our grief, what is acceptable and what is not.
It is up to you how you'd like to respond. I do the same, find myself consoling others. I am okay with that as long as I got to say the word "Trisomy" or I got to say my daughter's name. Now it is in their brain..Sonny had Trisomy 18. Maybe they will google it or be eager to learn more or if they hear Trisomy again...they might remember..Sonny had Trisomy..Terra knows about Trisomy and can help this person.
You just have to decide the boundaries and what you are willing to say. But it is up to other people to remember that it doesn't all end well and if they want the answers to their questions, it might be shocking. I'm so sorry for your loss xoxox

 on: June 28, 2014, 05:02:00 PM 
Started by tsoccer126 - Last post by JamaalsMommy
Hi you doing today, I can relate to you because I too am a single mom and lost my son Dec 20, 2013. If you would like to talk you can reach me via email and we can talk. I too haven't found anyone where I can talk to that knows what I am going thru. Each and every day gets harder and harder for me and I know it's the same for you. Let me know if you want to talk further and beyond here.

 on: June 26, 2014, 06:20:52 PM 
Started by tsoccer126 - Last post by tsoccer126
Hello,  I am a single mom and lost my only child on November 27th 2013. I am looking for a mom that I can relate to. I am feeling lost and so alone. He was my whole life. Everything I did was for him. I don't know what to do without him. I miss him so much.
Thanks Hope

 on: June 23, 2014, 06:52:30 AM 
Started by SofiasMom - Last post by Ariels Mom
Hello, this is my first post, Thank you Susan for providing a safe place to talk about our children. My husband asked me this question last night, I told him I say I have three children and one is an angel, he liked it. To be honest I have only used this response once and it was at a charity event for grieving children, so it wasn't unexpected. We are approaching 26 months of not being able to hug Ariel, I know she is with me but I can't hug her anymore. My response at the beginning was to fall apart and end up consoling people. My husband handles it as the situation calls for but it always makes him very uncomfortable as he really wants to talk about Ariel. He has modified his response after a customer asked about his children, he told him and the man started crying, said he had lost a daughter several years ago and walked out, never to return. Strange how we end up worrying about others feelings, my husband says our loss has made him a more compassionate person, it has. I don't get asked the dreaded question very much anymore, maybe because I have chosen not to put myself in as many social situations as I used to and that's okay, I spend most of my time with family. As I am sure many of you can understand, many of my friends have faded away, my choice and theirs but that is another topic. So as everyone here says, there is no correct answer, like all of our grief work, whatever works for you.
My heart aches for you my new friends but I am happy to have found you. xoxoxoxo

 on: June 18, 2014, 10:01:32 PM 
Started by tracy - Last post by tsoccer126
Hello Tracy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. Though my pain isn't the same as yours I feel I can relate because I am a single mom who lost my only son. Tristin passed away on November 27, 2013. That was the last day of my life. My whole world came crashing down on me. Tristin is my whole life and everything I did in life was for him. The pain is so unbearable. Tristin was always a happy child, he was creative and talented and had so much to offer.  I blame myself. We had a fight about something stupid. I went to bed without saying good night. Tristin and I always watched a show together before bed and when I went up to bed he would go to his room and watch tv. That night I just went to bed. I got up the next morning and he wasn't in his room. I figured he fell asleep down stairs. I got ready for work. I went down to wake him up and he wasn't on the couch. He took his own life. It was the scariest thing I have ever had to see.  I feel like it is my fault he is gone. How could I not see that he was in so much pain and was so sad inside? He was even going to counseling, just because kind of and his counselor was shocked when he heard. He never thought Tristin would do that or that he felt that way.  Every day of my life is a struggle. I don't want to be here. I just want to be with Tristin. If it wasn't for my sister, dad and brother in law I wouldn't be here. I have been wanting to connect with another single mom who lost her only child. I hope we can be in contact and help each other.   Thank You for listening Hope

 on: June 18, 2014, 05:08:41 PM 
Started by MissingMySon - Last post by tsoccer126
Hello,  I feel your pain. I am a single mom and I lost my only son on November 27, 2014. He is my whole life and everything I did was for him. I am lost without him. I don't understand why he is gone. I would give anything to have him back.

 on: June 07, 2014, 06:23:16 PM 
Started by MissingMySon - Last post by Darlene
I am sorry for your lose. I feel the same way that you do. My daughter,Amanda, passed at the age of twenty five on 04/28/14. I think that I am still in denial. I just can't seem to accept the fact that she is gone. Like you I know that it is coming one day. Just don't know when it will happen. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 on: June 02, 2014, 06:27:52 AM 
Started by Josephs-Mommy - Last post by Shelley
Glad you included the email from the grief specialist. I can't look at photos of my son who has been dead 5 years. I had him for 32 years, which is still most of my adult life. I think there must be something else at work when thinking about healing a little and moving forward - the time a parent has spent with a child. I cannot imagine it ever getting any better, altho I am able to function better than I could in the 2nd and 3rd year after he died. The first year I functioned merely because I was numb... and then i sat on the couch. Now I am working, but most of the time it all seems totally pointless. He was my only child and I will not have any more. I work because I need to survive. But I do wish I had never had him. This pain is so not worth any memories, because even thinking of him is almost too hard to bear. I don't like the new normal or the new me at all! I know you can relate to some of this.

 on: May 15, 2014, 06:25:03 AM 
Started by Mike D. - Last post by Mike D.
I posted this yesterday on the griefHaven Facebook page.  I'm not sure if anyone visits this forum, but I thought I'd post it here also in case they do.

One afternoon in April of 2011, a few days before Easter, I took a break from work for an errand: we needed to get gifts for Aaron's basket. What do you give a child who can't eat candy, or play with toys? CDs and DVDs, of course. I went over the FYE store and picked up a few things, including some Veggie Tales DVDs.

Aaron loved Veggie Tales. It was among the shows we played each evening as we prepared his meds and tube feeding. We'd sing along with the opening theme and he would bellow in laughter.

If you like to talk to tomatoes,
If a squash can make you smile,
If you like to waltz with potatoes,
Up and down the produce aisle...
Have we got a show for you!

When I got back to the office with my FYE stash, I realized I'd bought too much. I took out one of the DVDs and set it aside: "It's a Meaningful Life," the Veggie Tales rendition of Frank Capra's "Its a Wonderful Life." It was a Christmas story, so it seemed more appropriate as a gift for Aaron's birthday in September, or perhaps even held for the holidays. I left it at the office, and brought the rest home.

Three weeks later -- three years ago yesterday -- we woke and found Aaron had died during the night. Quietly, he'd left us while we slept. He was seven. Eventually I returned to work, and on my first day back I found the Veggies Tales waiting for me. I'd forgotten about it. I chided myself for leaving it out of the Easter basket, as if I should have known there would be no more birthdays.

It is still on my desk, shrink wrapped as the day I bought it. It stares at me, telling me that this is a meaningful life. According to the subtitle, it is a lesson in being content. Not in being happy, mind you. Just content.

Now I sit in my office and mourn Aaron on another bleak anniversary, and the Veggie guys watch me. They challenge me with a question: how does someone find contentment after the most important thing has been taken away?

Here is my answer: you work hard at it each day. You remind yourself that life can still offer bits of joy and meaning and surprises. You make the choice to smile at the squash and waltz with the potatoes. You wake each day, look out the window and take in the world's buoyant greeting: "Have we got a show for you!"

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