griefHaven Forum - Where hope resides

Find Us On Facebook
April 23, 2014, 10:39:06 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: FIRST TIME REGISTRATION MADE EASY.  Just follow each step below, and you will be sharing on the message board in no time.

1. Go to this link and fill out the brief form. http://www.jotformpro.com/form/11745848669
2. We will receive your request via email.
3. Depending on the time of day, your request to become a member will be approved anywhere from 15 minutes to 24 hours.
4. There is no need to send more than one request. Just wait for your approval notification.
5. You will be notified via email when you are approved (to the email address you provided us) and sent your password.
6. You may also email our webmaster directly at deborah@qwsseattle.com if you need help registering.
7. Please note that the normal registration button has been disabled. You must use the link above.
8. Go here for help on how to use the forum: https://griefhaven.org/griefforum/index.php?action=help
9. Watch an overview video on how to use the forum: http://www.griefhaven.org/forum-video.html
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Pages: 1 [2]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Are there any other mothers who've lost their only child here?  (Read 6691 times)
chrismom
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 19


View Profile
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2011, 07:34:45 PM »

Just wanted to say I hope I didn't sound harsh, I would not wish this on my worst enemy! I know people mean well but...
Logged
Peggi
Full Member
***
Posts: 58


View Profile
« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2011, 03:51:09 PM »

To Chris' Mom: Really??? You have a friend who says she "should" be seeing daily improvement???  At three months? You are kidding me, right?? I'm only trying to help you calibrate... but that is absurd. It may not be possible to preserve this relationship if she's that clueless, but if you want to try, I would consider asking her to read Dennis Apple's After the Death of My Son (it's a short book), or Elizabeth Edward's Saving Graces (also fairly short), or ask her to watch Griefhaven's Portraits of Hope. It's less than an hour, I think. Surely she can invest that much time in trying to understand what you're enduring. Because it is obvious she has not one clue. Not one. And is is shameful that she thinks SHE "should" be seeing improvement; this seems to be more about her discomfort than it is about your suffering.
Logged
erniesmom
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 9


View Profile
« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2011, 03:27:38 PM »

Dear Peggi,
I love your answer! Well said!
I have suffered my share of "well meaning" idiotic "advice" by people who can only assume to know our pain.
I don't fake it or try to be nice anymore...they are not in my life...period. I am blessed to be surrounded by his friends,
his best friend, his girl of ten years (she is like my daughter) her family, my family and my husband who helps me survive day by day.
I speak of him, say his name, he is my son and he walks with me...you don't know what to say? that's fine...a hug or a smile will suffice.
Living without them is already hard enough to try to suffer the "well intentioned"!
His birthday is on December 16, and we will celebrate his life like we did and we have since he left.

Logged
chrismom
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 19


View Profile
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2011, 03:56:02 PM »

THanks for your support, i was beginning to think maybe I am just being a pest to people and was withdrawing which is very hard for me cause I am such a people person.

Chris' Mom
Logged
Peggi
Full Member
***
Posts: 58


View Profile
« Reply #19 on: December 05, 2011, 08:22:01 AM »

withdrawing is an understandable temptation and one many of us succumb to; again, only you can decide which friends are "worth the effort" to try to educate. I have had some success with that, I think....asking friends to read books that expressed my feelings or to watch the DVD. Some will never get it; others will try. At least maybe they won't make you feel worse if they're educated about their expectations.

Here's an article I found helpful by Sue Rankin, who is a hospice bereavement specialist:

For the grieving person, having a support system is a crucial piece of the healing pathway of loss, and that system looks different for everybody. For some, it is a ready-made network of friends and family who are there at the drop of a hat to provide love and care. For others, it is one or two friends who have walked a similar journey, and still there are others yet who must construct a support system from the ground up because their main system of support is gone. No matter where the support system comes from or who is a part of it, that system must be unobstructed and safe for the griever to do the work that comes with loss.
In his book titled Understanding Your Grief, Alan Wolfelt defines safe support coming from those who are ―truly empathetic helpers. They will have a desire to understand you and your unique thoughts and feelings about the death...They will be willing to be involved in your pain and suffering without feeling the need to take it away from you‖ (pg. 127). It is not easy to bear witness to someone else’s pain without an urge to take it away or to soften it somehow. Unfortunately, such actions may in fact work to minimize the magnitude this loss has affected the griever which may leave the griever to feel inept, unheard, and unsupported.
So for you the griever, it is important for you to act in one of two ways when confronted by someone who is trying to support you but is falling short of what you are needing from them. The first consideration is to identify if that person can actually give you what you need. Let’s face it, not everyone can be everything to everybody all the time. Some of us are just not wired to sit with someone else’s pain. It may be that you have to let go of what you cannot get from them; you have to adjust your expectations of that person. For example, you might be expecting a friend to be the one to listen when in fact that friend has always been the one to plan the great escapes in your friendship. In this case, adjusting your expectations could mean that you call upon that friend when you feel the need to just get out of the house and not when you need a listener. A second consideration is to communicate to this person what it is that you need and how they can best help to meet that need. We are all unique beings who have lived lives full of very different experiences and view those experiences from very different perspectives. What may work for them may not work for you. If you are uncertain as to what you need but you do know what you are finding not helpful, sometimes talking about what you don’t need can lead to what you do need.
Identifying the safe people in your life during this time of loss and grief is an important part of this experience. Remember that allowing others in is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. It takes more courage to ask for comfort than it does to sit alone.
Logged
chrismom
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 19


View Profile
« Reply #20 on: December 06, 2011, 02:16:39 PM »

Thank you so much! That is a great article, the grief of losing your child is hard enough without having to be hurt by the ones that you think will be of most support. The article hit the nail on the head, she wants to "fix" me and she can't.  Sad
Logged
Shelley
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 30


View Profile
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2011, 05:30:59 AM »

Hi Chris' mom,

Three months is so early in the process. I did work for the first 10  months after my son died, but then my company went under. I don't want to scare you but for me it was much better working than not. After my company went under the real grief started. At 3 years I still think staying very very busy is the best for me. Having down time just means more time in the black hole. I found a blog online from a guy, a lawyer, who had lost 3 of his 5 kids for different reasons within 3 years. He said that anyone who loses a child should just declare bankruptcy right away because it takes so long for us to be able to do what we need to be really financially stable. I don't know your circumstances but that was true for me. I lost everything and couldn't possibly start a new company. Still trying at 3 years. This is a long hard journey, but one I feel is possible to make. And I have seen some light...  Here is a clip of the documentary I've made about these 3 long years: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/553502177/in-his-footsteps

Regarding your friend, I have had to make all new friends. It is slow and hard since none of them knew my son. But it is so much better than having the ones that don't understand. It feels like even more suffering to have to listen to them talk about things they know nothing about. Take very good care of yourself. And we are all here for you.

xxx
Shelley
Logged
Pages: 1 [2]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.19 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!