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Author Topic: I think I losing it  (Read 1855 times)
Brendans daddy
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« on: April 12, 2011, 08:16:38 AM »

Hey everybody.  Today is my 35th birthday and my first one since lost my Brendan.  He has not been gone for 129 days.  I am losing my mind today.  How can anybody be this sad and depressed all the time.  I feel like I am getting worse.  I am so afraid.  I don't have my Brendan anymore.  He was our rock, he was our strength.  I feel like I am letting my family down.  My wife has been stronger than me.  I am not there for her or for my other son Jackson.  I just can't stop thinking about Brendan.  I don't know what else to do.  I am so lost. 
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June
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« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2011, 09:22:23 AM »

I'm so sorry you feel this sad. I wish i had words that would ease your pain. As i know too well , there aren't any. A therapist recommended to me that on my b-day i go someplace loud and distracting like a restaurant with a good friend. I made myself go - and there were periods throughout where i "forgot" for a second or two, and somehow i managed to make it through the day.
Hold on tight to your wife and son- I am sure they love and need you. 
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Debbie
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« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2011, 09:19:10 PM »

i know the feeling -i loose it several times a day - but i am still here. I'm sad but im here.
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Rita
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« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2011, 06:19:50 PM »

I AM SO SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
       
        All the time for the past ten years I think i'm losing it.  You would not be a daddy if you didn't feel that way. When my son passed away in 01 I knew that my life would never be the same. I remember people telling me that it would get better but I could not see that. I could not see living life with out him I felt gulity if I smiled because, he was my whole life and to me I had no life without him.

       My son was 11 and I had a 11 month old son that turned 1 year old  1 month after my sons homecoming (death) and I could not have a party for him because his brother was not there. I was not there for my 11 month old. I mean, I took care of him but I did not read to him or try to teach him or play with him like I did with my oldest son.

     My Grief over took me and for months and months I did not hear the word mama. I cryed all the time I thought I would never get to where I could live a what we call a normal life again and then one day out of the blue my little boy looks at me and said MAMA. At that very moment something changed it was like my oldest son said "mama he needs you and I dont now; so, take care of him like you took care of me" I know it sounds crazy. See after my sons death I was scared to love someone that much again because I never want to hurt like that again. I guess I was scared I would lose him to.

      I know that your son is in heaven; he has fought the fight and won the race he has graduated from what we call life in to everlasting Life you have done the job of being a great daddy and now you have another son that is going to look to you for help because he is hurting and maybe feeling like he is losing it too.

      May God bless you my friend and I hope I helped you a little I know that no word will ever take away the sadness but sometimes they help us see things different. May Jesus wrap you in his loving arms and give you peace tonight 
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Always trusting in God to see me through
Jennifersmom4ever
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« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2011, 03:19:56 AM »

Hi Brendon's dad. I just joined and read your post. I think it was awhile ago and wanted to know how you are doing? What your going thru is normal. I think that we are in such shock for the first few months and it takes time to really really realize they are gone. That is when it gets worse. It's funny how after a short time we expect ourselves and or others that we should be moving on with life as usual. It don't happen that way. It' all normal the way you were feeling. Anyway I pray that you are coping.
Rhonda
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Brendans daddy
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« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2011, 11:33:17 AM »

Hello everybody.  It has been quite a while since I have last posted on this site.  Our lives have been crazy.  I read my post from my birthday on April 12th.  I do remember that day and what a horrible day that was.  Since that day many things have changed in my life.  I am still a very heartbroken father.  I miss my Brendan more than ever.  After April 12th I believe I got worse.  I think the shock was wearing off and reality was setting in.  I was in a very bad place for a few months.  I was able to work closely with my doctor and counselor and have been taking an anti-depressant for almost 4 months now.  I do believe it has helped me a little bit.  I don't have quite as many breakdowns as I used to have, but I am still sad all the time.  I still think about Brendan all the time.  I don't think that will ever change.  I miss my boy, my son and my best buddy. 

We were lucky and were able to sell our home.  We have moved into a rental condo for now and just started building a new home.  It was just too hard to be in the old house where the accident took place.  Too hard to be next door to the neighbor that was responsible for Brendan's accident.  We also found out last week that my wife is 10 weeks pregnant.  We are very excited to bring another child into this world.  It is so bitter sweet.  Brendan would have been so excited to be a big brother again.  I pray that everything goes well with our new baby and that Brendan is watching over us all. 

I am working hard to find ways to live again.  I will never be the same, but I know I must live for my family and for Brendan.  I pray for all of you every night. 

Brendan's daddy - Tony
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Rita
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Emmanuel


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« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2011, 08:55:40 PM »

It is so good to know that you are ok.

Congradulation on the new baby and the new home.

Rita
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Always trusting in God to see me through
Peggi
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« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2011, 05:45:42 AM »

Congratulations on the new baby! From the BeeGees: "Only love can break a heart; only love can mend it again."
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