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Author Topic: "Mommy It's Just Easier"  (Read 1748 times)
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« on: August 27, 2011, 02:00:03 PM »

I found this old email on my laptop and thought worthy of posting here today....
Pretty amazing how time had passed and here we are in 2011, this is 2008....

On Mon, Dec 8, 2008 at 9:55 PM, Kimberly Perlmutter
<> wrote:
Over 3 years ago, when my big for his any age, yet little boy, of age almost
4 1/2 was here and alive;
Joseph was so very alive and poignant in his innocence or was he really
very wise?
or perhaps Joseph was even both.
As the child who had a Daddy that is 6 foot 5" and a mommy who is 5 foot 7",
he was so used to strangers seeing him and asking him or me how old he
is...and his usual response in answering this person is his real age - and
of course the stranger would instantly answer "Really? and say a number that
he was nowhere close to in actual age and go on from there with the details
again and again, each time.  As he got to be 4 he heard over and over "He
looks like 6. Are you sure he is 4?"

You can imagine that joey was so used to hearing this all the time with or
without me around.  We usually would giggle afterwards and say the same
thing.  You speak really well for any age.  How smart and aware and mature
you act is what they see, not just how tall you are. Then one day, he blurts
out to answer this woman's familiar question - "I'm 6" and I shot him this
look of inquizative and disbelief and eyebrows raised like what did you just
say without uttering a word. He said looking straight into my eyes with a
whisper -
"Mommy it is just easier...."  I had to agree in that moment he was right -
it was much easier than going on and on about how his daddy and mommy are
tall, and all the etc....
But now I am inquizative and realizing more than anything this is ringing in
my own ears now so often in many daily contexts. Was he just blessed with a
profound message now that is now my hearing my sweet boys voice replaying in
my head now, "
Mommy it is just easier."

Yet easier?  What is easier?!!

Is it easier to say "I have no children" than answer the truth?
Today it is - on my new job with an older woman I just met who asked the
innocent question that does not have any innocent answer. I will see her
frequently. I was trying to not feel sad and deal with being in the present.

It was "just easier" to say to her unexpected question "no I don't have any
children" - or answer then and detail about my 4 year old son dying in a
blink 3 years ago. Or share with her he was my gardening pal since he could
hold the hose at age 8 months. He looked out the back door every morning as
soon as he could crawl.  He loved to garden with me anytime.  He loved to
steal the hose. Oh how he loved to push the cart all over this garden store
at this exact location when he was alive. He actually had a good eye for
flowers and could see the johnny Jump ups as soon as we got to the aisle.
Joseph always planted the johnny jump ups in his favorite own spots.....

I wanted to ask her: Don't you recognize me?  I did ask her how long has she
worked here, knowing it has been as long as I could recall. She has worked
here 30 years!

Instead,in this instance,  it was "just easier" than put this new face on
the map of someone else that I share my broken heart, my awful reality, the
worst loss, and f
do neither of us any good if I go there. It would be worse to find out that
she does not want to hear me share how hard it is "Still" or tell this lady
that I am profoundly a different Kim now to the person she is meeting right
now if she had recognized mer as a longtime customer. Going to see me
regularly as I work at this wonderful nursery making beautiful flower pots
to sell retail while I work 8 hours a week here. I heard joseph in my head,
Mommy it is just easier."

It was also "just easier" to leave this entire story out of the dinner
conversation tonight when my husband asked me to tell him about my first day
at work.  Why?  Because as he shared about his harder day, he said "the
grief is always there. it never goes away"  It was "just easier" to not
respond with anything to upset him from sharing his truth when it is rare he
opens up at all.  It is one of the many of his issues that he could not
foucus on his own grief in the last 3 years because he was so worried about
me. He has felt since our precious son joey died, I don't let him share his
grief out loud without then making it about me.  Or comparing our grief.

So it was "just easier" to not go there and keep it all inside as I replay
the other times during the rest of my day in the real world the grief is
everywhere I turn too.  no matter where I am - there is another trigger
every where just as I do my normal.

Holidays are harder but is January 2009 going to be that much easier??  I
don't think so....and not because I am pessimistic or negative. Or focus on
my loss and grief.  It is reality that when you are a mommy and your child
is dead - you are not ever far from thinking and feeling this reminder.

Is it "just easier?"
Not at all. Even if I am doing more positive and higher functioning, and
making good choices and positive steps and hearing the way others who sing
praises that I am doing so well. If they really had a clue?

It is not easier at all inside or outside witnessing the joys of the real
world going on. Or witnessing hard times too for those strangers or
acquaintences or dear friends I know in the REAL world wherever my paths
take me.

It is "Easier" to fake the Happy part about the holidays for these people
that are tired of my honesty, are needing my attitude to be uplifting and
not honest or real how it feels to not have your child alive.  Focus on the
joys and remember the good times we were blessed with him.

Using distractions like last night beginning holiday decorating around the
house and continuing after working tonight after coming home exhausted head
to toe. It was " just easier" to avoid how it feels that this home is dark,
quiet, empty even with all these beautiful decorations and arranged some in
the same places and some not at all and some in new spots to try to make it
seem just ok. Imagining when joseph was here helping and having an opinion
where to put the snowmen and how he had to move them around to see where he
liked them. and so many other memories that seem to trickle in still.  Will
it be "just easier" to not remember out loud? These precious tangibles are
filled with memories in so many real tangible thoughts about holidays we
shared with our little happy boy.

It is just easier to do on the now fourth time going around since November
2005 - but not easier to accept this is the rest of my life.

It is not easier to try to bake cookies. Just trying to crack the eggs and
feel happy baking cookies alone is too hard.  It is not easier to be unable
to share out loud how much it still hurts deeply alot of the time - almost
all the time "Still" I fight how my heart is not normal and my chest grips
with the angst and missing him.

It is not easier to accept others even close relatives are not able to
handle that it is not better in 2008 than it was in 2007. Or think shopping
for others old or young is fun, gratifying or special.  It means basically

It is easier to not want to participate, but think it is not acceptable

It is easier to not want to go buy presents for others who don't need
anything anyways and there is an insane amount of torment in the process -
including my sisters comment last week regarding her kids my nephews I dont
see or have a relationship with now because their cousin died when they were
too young or not even born.

It is easier to feel sad inside and not tell anyone because no one wants to
listen to how it is not easier yet.
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« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2011, 05:39:50 PM »

Thank you, Kim.
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