griefHaven Forum - Where hope resides

Find Us On Facebook
April 21, 2014, 07:40:55 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: FIRST TIME REGISTRATION MADE EASY.  Just follow each step below, and you will be sharing on the message board in no time.

1. Go to this link and fill out the brief form. http://www.jotformpro.com/form/11745848669
2. We will receive your request via email.
3. Depending on the time of day, your request to become a member will be approved anywhere from 15 minutes to 24 hours.
4. There is no need to send more than one request. Just wait for your approval notification.
5. You will be notified via email when you are approved (to the email address you provided us) and sent your password.
6. You may also email our webmaster directly at deborah@qwsseattle.com if you need help registering.
7. Please note that the normal registration button has been disabled. You must use the link above.
8. Go here for help on how to use the forum: https://griefhaven.org/griefforum/index.php?action=help
9. Watch an overview video on how to use the forum: http://www.griefhaven.org/forum-video.html
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The Truth  (Read 1159 times)
Peggi
Full Member
***
Posts: 58


View Profile
« on: August 26, 2011, 03:17:06 PM »

So, how many times a day do I tell someone I am fine? How many times a day do I act "normal"? Sometimes I wonder if there is ANYONE who wants to know "the truth"??  Who wants to know that, at 24 months, I still wake up every morning wishing I weren't waking up? Who wants to know that the pain in my chest persists MUCH of the time and can be excruciating? Who wants to know that many nights I am awake and weeping from 3am to 5am? Who wants to know that I am "enduring" life, not living it? Who wants to know that I don't want to be in a world that is absent his presence? Who wants to know that all I can do is "be functional"; there is no joy, no pleasure, no anticipation of the future? who wants to know that getting out of bed is an "accomplishment"? who wants to know that I question whether or not I will "survive" this grief, in terms of survival being more than enduring the pain? Who wants to know?
Logged
Loraine
Full Member
***
Posts: 53


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2011, 04:46:31 PM »

Peggi
I read your message and you are right in everything you say about the pain and the heartache and the physical hurting.  As far as I am concerned the first three years were very difficult, fourth year a little better, and so on. Your posting is poignant and truthful and it is very similar to where I was around the 2/3 year mark.

I have just passed the 6th year mark (August 18, 2005) and yes it does hurt to relive the events that come to mind and still and often does – my actual heart was sore and I tried to laugh at something and it came out as a “boo hoo” sob which I could not stop.  The friend I was talking to put her arm around me and said some comforting words.

I sometimes think of how I was before I lost a child and know that I would likely expressed a lot more compassion to a grieving parent than has sometimes been shown to me (some family members just do not understand but they never will unless it happens to them).

In truth, I could not have imagined life without one of my children and just how much our battered bodies, souls and emotions cry out to see them, smell them and laugh with them again and the pain in realizing it is not to be in our near future.  Until you have this experience which changes you forever, you just do not know the grief of losing a child.

I do however tell anyone who asks how I am - that there are times when it hurts like hell and times when I can be grateful for having had my son for 26 years but it has been a long hard road to get to this stage.

 I do not know if this will help but I especially care about you and read your postings because many of your comments remind me of how it was and of course sometimes "is".

Wishing you find some moments or a few hours of release from the torment during this weekend.
Lots of love
Loraine
Campbell’s Mum
Logged
Peggi
Full Member
***
Posts: 58


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2011, 05:36:52 PM »

Loraine, from the bottom of my heart (a heart where bottom seems limitless), I thank you.
Logged
Josephs-Mommy
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 34


View Profile
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2011, 06:51:28 AM »

Precious Peggi,
I want to hear you -
i get you
I was you, and there are truly people who will show up when and where you need them when you least expect the comforting kindness to appear.

You write exactly how it felt for me and I could of written this myself. If you go and read old posting from me back in 2007 or 2008 you will read my similar experiences to yours.

It is hard to hear right where you are today that you will ease slower and more gradually in a few more years of this profound grief. It is hard to believe you will not grieve this intensely for the rest of your life.
I can't explain how, when or what it is that will shift your life not radically, but in a new normal or what I now say after seeing a Broadway play by this same title "Next to Normal." I am next to normal but not normal.

People will leave you or you will see how they are not healing people for you now. It is a chapter in your from now on life that unless you have buried your child you can't explain to anyone else. And we all know we all grieve differently even our child's other parent or sibling.

My intention for you today is to accept where you need to feel doing today feels ok enough to try today to be this new Peggi that is miserable, pain-filled, desperate, grief stricken, angry, miserable, lacking purpose that used to be natural and just be with yourself and not make any excuses for your present space today. You do not owe anyone any explanation other than your honest, authentic feelings that you are devastated and can't see how to do this right now other than feeling ok to feel it deep as you need to feel the grief and pain and not know what tomorrow brings.

As we are all aware of the 10th anniversary for the most horrible attack on the twin towers in our lifetimes I think it is a reminder for us here at griefhaven who have a less global awareness of our tragic stories but there is comfort in how we are not alone. There are 1,000's of people that we can really relate to how 10 years is a literal blink how life changed on 9.11.01 that fateful morning. We all have our own "9.11.01" and not just how to relive where we actually were on that morning.....so I encourage you to continue to feel safe and not self conscious how you are doing today.

I repeat - I get you and want to hear you. As do the other regulars that sign in and read what we post and not necessarily write back to you.

so come here anytime you need to vent, share how sad you feel and  know you are never ever judged.

with love and ehugs, Joseph's mommy forever
« Last Edit: August 27, 2011, 06:55:42 AM by Kim Josephs Mommy » Logged
Peggi
Full Member
***
Posts: 58


View Profile
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2011, 05:37:09 PM »

To Kim and to Loraine, again, thank you so much as I sit here sobbing over my keyboard, an experience I gather you both share with me. And I had a typo in my original posting; it's 28 months, not 24. And I just find it so very difficult to comprehend that the losses keep piling on. People I thought I had relationships with have disappeared. People who have tried to stick with me find that how I am dealing with this is weak, or wrong, or too exhausting or too depressing or whatever. And I am having to confront realities about people I have cared about that I don't want to confront. What happened to just basic kindness? Or just forgiving me for being a jerk sometimes because I am so mortally wounded? Where is kindness? I don't even know if there is a God, but so many of the people who are hurting me are "people of faith"...so how am I supposed to ever find my faith again when part of my suffering comes from people who claim to believe? I don't know what I believe in anymore. I have no idea.
Logged
Loraine
Full Member
***
Posts: 53


View Profile
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2011, 08:53:31 PM »

Peggi,
What can I say but I know, I know.  I have written in the old message board about immediate family and friends who basically let me go.  They had impossible expectations of a recovery within a year or so.  So on top of the grief, you get more or less punched in the stomach when you are already down.  Talk about a hard path to navigate – as if it was not horrendous enough.

Again, I promise you there will come a time when you emerge from this, slowly but surely, a different person in many ways and perhaps look upon the people you had faith in with pity for their actions against the weakest amongst them and you are right, they should know better.  I try not to be bitter, but you have to wonder about what you thought they were and what they proved to be!

I remember in a previous message you mentioned you had a surviving child and you are in a situation that was situation was difficult for you.
 
You are coping with a lot and there is no quick fix around the feelings but just trying to keep on going through them.

I thought that Kim wrote you an honest and profound message and again, know that you are amongst people who do “get it”.

You mentioned you are questioning your faith and I hope you don’t mind if I say a prayer for you tonight (not in regards to your faith) but that you feel the security of Angels wings wrapped around you as you sleep, protecting you from the negativity of others and that you are able to awaken refreshed and strengthened to face another day.

As Kim mentioned sometimes at the worst of these times, people are sent to in the most unexpected places who give us comforting messages or stories which bolster us and restore some of our faith in humanity.

Sending lots of love and angel hugs
Loraine
Campbell’s Mum
Logged
Peggi
Full Member
***
Posts: 58


View Profile
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2011, 07:01:56 PM »

Well, Lorraine, you and Kim are certainly being there for me and you can say all the prayers you want; I wish I had some faith in something. I wish I did. You are so kind to remember that my surviving child is "challenging". Yes, she is. And I do the best I can. This past weekend, I read a recently published book Jessica Lost written by an adopted daughter and her birthmother. It is quite a memoir and give me much food for thought. And the adopted daughter's mother lost a son to suicide (that's how I lost my son). And both of my children are adopted. Will I ever make sense of this world? Probably not. Will I ever learn to survive in it? Maybe. But that's not a guarantee. You and Kim (and the other bereaved parents I know) at least give me the wish of a possibility. (what kind of words are those? I just felt I couldn't say "hope" yet; hope seems too unreachable) So I'm going to have to go with "wish of a possibility".
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.19 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!