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Author Topic: It was Only in my Dreams  (Read 1139 times)
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« on: September 04, 2011, 08:38:52 AM »

The first couple of weeks after my son’s death I couldn’t eat or sleep, I remember my eyes were swollen and red and they burned so bad from crying so much. I would try to sleep but every time I would close my eyes I would wake up thinking it was just a bad dream; just to be reminded that it wasn’t

I remember one day I fell asleep and woke up thinking I was late leaving the house to go and pick him up from school. So, I rushed around; woke up my then 1-year-old put him in the car and rush out of the driveway. When I got to the red light in the middle of town it hit me that he was not there.

I had never felt that helpless in my life. Here I am in a car with a screaming baby because I grab him out of his bed so fast. Because I was thinking I was a bad mother for over sleeping and leaving my other child at school too long; Just to be reminded that he is not there and will never be there for me to pick up again.

I’m crying and the baby is crying, I’m frozen at the light, I know the light is green but I can’t go. Car horns are blowing, I’m confused, I don’t know what to do, I know people are yelling at me but I can’t move. I wanted to die life was not the same I would take him to school and pick him up but not anymore all that had ended and I was not ready for that. I was STILL a mother of a school age child. That was my job. It was to help him with his homework and his science fair projects.
From the light I could see the world moving around me but I could not see me moving in any direction. From where I was sitting I could see children that my son went to school with and their mothers smiling and having fun together. I know the light had to have turned red twice before I could go, but those few minutes seemed liked hours as sit there crying. At that very moment the song “The World didn’t stop for my broken heart” took on a whole new meaning and it was so true when it seemed my life had STOPED the world was still going on. People were still having fun and happy.

The question I had at that light that day was. Was I ever going to be happy again? I was so blind with pain and sorrow I could not see that happening ever again. But thank God I can see happiness now and as I look back on that memory I wonder was that just a dream I never want to feel that sad and alone again. I feel so bad for my youngest son and I am crying now thinking of how he ever made it with a grieving mother. For the past month the roller coaster has started back up and I did not buy the ticket

I wish so many times I could say that all this was only in my dreams

Trusting in Jesus to see me through

« Last Edit: September 04, 2011, 10:33:31 AM by Rita » Logged

Always trusting in God to see me through
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« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2011, 10:06:30 PM »

Thank you for sharing.  I am still very early in my grief and can still sometimes hear her cry or am on my way upstairs and think I should check on her -- it feels like she's just gone down for a nap.
That experience you write about is heart-wrenching and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.  But it's obvious you have a lot of love and I think even with a grieving mom, children still feel how much they are loved. 
You write of happiness and hope -- and although it feels elusive to me right now, I'm clinging to that possibility. Thank you again and I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet son.
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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2011, 12:36:57 PM »

Dear Sofia mom,

        I'm so sorry for you loss. There are so many word in the English vocabulary but at this very moment I can't think of one that I could say right now that will take your pain away and believe me if I knew that magic word I would say it to you.
             For a long time I would hear everyone say that he (my son) was to young and that his life was cut too short but you know I don't believe that I believe that he had a full life he was here for a reason just like I am; He completed his task, he finished his race and now he is in the arms of a loving God.
          Now, come to think of it there is one word that has POWER and has helped me Smiley  This word is a name and the name is Jesus, and the whole world knows that word (Name). There is something I have learned in this journey, Sofia's Mom, is that I am not alone and that I will see my son again. There is hope in that name. In the coming weeks after the shock wears off you will feel like you are alone and that no one understands your pain; that is when this word is going to come in use. Just know that we all will be here for you in this but, sometimes you just have to be by yourself to figure thing out. There is a lot of anger and guilt in grief so don’t feel like there is no hope because there is HOPE and if I made it then I believe you will make it too.
            You will never get over it because Sofia is forever in your heart and that will never change. But one day you will be able to think of her and smile. I know that some people don’t share in the same beliefs as I but there is one thing I am sure of, and that is that Jesus is the only one that has helped me. Because, see I was weak and I thought I was not going to make it I was ready to die when I walked down to the casket where he laid. I felt like my life was over, no one could tell me that it was going to be ok. I needed to know the truth about what happen when you die. I could not believe that it was all over. It wasn’t like the end of a book it was my baby and I would never forget him. I was hurting SO BAD I needed something to end the pain.
          What the world had to offer did not work so; I fell to my knees and ask him Jesus to show me what I needed to do too see my son again. That is the day I got real with God and myself. I had always been taught to live right and about heaven so when Emmanuel died reality slapped me in the face I would have died for him and if I would have done that I knew in my heart and in my mind I was going to do whatever it took to get where ever he was. So I am sorry if I offend others with my beliefs but, I have to tell what has proven to be true to me and helped me. Sofia’s mom I have never in my life felt any kind of pain like the loss of a child but on the other hand I have never felt love like Jesus’ Love. He is the one who is always true to you when everyone has moved on; he will still be there.  I will lift you up in my prayers tonight because that is the only way I know how to help you.
Just a mother trusting in Jesus to see me through

Rita- Emmanuel’s Mama

Always trusting in God to see me through
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