griefHaven Forum - Where hope resides

Find Us On Facebook
April 20, 2014, 07:00:14 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: FIRST TIME REGISTRATION MADE EASY.  Just follow each step below, and you will be sharing on the message board in no time.

1. Go to this link and fill out the brief form. http://www.jotformpro.com/form/11745848669
2. We will receive your request via email.
3. Depending on the time of day, your request to become a member will be approved anywhere from 15 minutes to 24 hours.
4. There is no need to send more than one request. Just wait for your approval notification.
5. You will be notified via email when you are approved (to the email address you provided us) and sent your password.
6. You may also email our webmaster directly at deborah@qwsseattle.com if you need help registering.
7. Please note that the normal registration button has been disabled. You must use the link above.
8. Go here for help on how to use the forum: https://griefhaven.org/griefforum/index.php?action=help
9. Watch an overview video on how to use the forum: http://www.griefhaven.org/forum-video.html
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Torn between two worlds  (Read 3705 times)
Rita
Full Member
***
Posts: 47


Emmanuel


View Profile
« on: September 05, 2011, 05:15:21 PM »


            I miss my son and would love to be with him but I have Matthew here and he needs me. I know that Emmanuel is happy, he is at home with God and I don’t have to worry about his well being. 
     For the past two weeks Matthew and I have been adjusting to a new school in our home town I am the School Health Tech/ school Nurse and Matthew is going into the same grade that Emmanuel would have been in if he would have lived. When we move here in 2000 we put him in a school closer to my mother so if I had the baby she could be there for him. So he never got to go to this school but he talked about it all the time. It is a k-12 school so he could not wait to meet new people and make friends that would last throughout high school.
        This year when Matthew and I went for our first day everyone thought we had just moved here. See after Emmanuel’s death I didn’t want to meet anyone new because he could not meet them too. So for over ten years we have lived in this small town and we don’t know anyone. We have been in school now for over two weeks and for the past week I have been asked the question of how my son passed. It is the question I have avoided for years that is the reason I didn’t like meeting anyone new. Every time I tell my nightmare I get that big lump in my throat and I’m trying not to cry as I tell them how they would have loved him and how he was found in 6 inches of water and how no one can explain how that happened as I am watching the expression on their faces I have to remind myself how I have learned to lean on Jesus Because the more I think about his death the more I seem to hold those feelings inside and tend  to hold on to Matthew a little tighter.
           I don’t want Matthew to have to go through this all his life because so many things were happening that reminded me of Emmanuel in a way it was like I was reliving 10-years-ago and that also made me over baring and very protective of Matthew and I talk about Emmanuel so much I hope that Matthew does not think that I Love Emmanuel more than him because, that is not true. I love him just as much as I love Emmanuel.  Matthew does not remember Emmanuel and that makes it hard on me because I do he was not just a dream he was real and I see a lot of him in Matthew. Maybe one day Matthew will understand that I tried to be the best mom for him and that I love him more than words could ever say. God gave him to me and I never want to push him away.
 







Logged

Always trusting in God to see me through
Carmen
Newbie
*
Posts: 1


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2011, 07:58:03 PM »

Hello. I lost a son 2 months ago. He was only 20 and he killed himeself. I spent the entire week begging the MH system to put him on a hold. He dienied SI, I insisted with a suicide note. My problem is that the night he hung himself I left him for a short while. He called and gave me cues and I chose to ignore them, based on a belief system that He would only kill himself with a drug overdose. I was wrong. I miscalculated. I returned to work today. I believe that the only way to dislodge myself of this guilt is to totally change my focus from my major focus of being a mom to just not caring anymore. Does anyone out there feel that it would be easier to stop being such a mom and just let them all go? My other 2 chilren are over 21, but still very dependent on me. I want to shut them out, and close the door. I want to be like the initial character in  "without a trace" where you see them with a life an family and then they dissappear into the fog. Anyone can relate?
Logged
Rita
Full Member
***
Posts: 47


Emmanuel


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2011, 09:34:08 PM »

Carmen
I do understand; sometimes it would be easier just to tune everything and everyone out it is almost like the saying "out of site out of mine" but it’s not that easy. I know that it is very difficult to lose a child and to lose a child in this type of death is very difficult to understand. Suicide has a lot of guilt and anger. The world does not understand this type of death but it is just like any other disease. Take cancer for instance it starts as a small cell and then before you know it, it has taken control. I look at Suicide as a disease because there is something taking over them to make them feel like their life is over. I call it a coping disease. Carmen I would like to share this with you and a lot of people may not agree with me but I have to believe what God has shown me and that is we all have to face death because when we are brought in to this world we have a birth date and we all have a set time to have a death date. Is it fair? Some think not but God himself came down here and face death himself so he would know how we felt and as I read his word I understand that when it is our time no one will be able to stop it but him and no one will be able to take a life without him allowing it. He himself said no man could take his life that he was the only one that could, He would give it up himself. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. If my son was taken by someone else I have to believe that my Jesus knew it because he said that not one sparrow Falls to the ground without him knowing it. I believe he knows everything and everything is for a reason we can’t see it now but soon we will. But as the saying goes we all have to die it is sad but true. Carmen, I really feel like Suicide is caused by a disease which leads to death IT’S JUST ANOTHER WAY TO GO HOME.  God bless you Carmen my prayers are with you always.

I am just a mother trusting in Jesus to see me through

Rita
« Last Edit: October 03, 2011, 05:49:26 AM by Rita » Logged

Always trusting in God to see me through
SpiralingUp
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 5



View Profile WWW
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2011, 12:27:25 PM »

The hardest part of our grief over a loved one's death is all the things we think we could have or should have done that would have changed things.  We can learn to live with pain and rebuild our lives with a hole in the middle, but it's tough to learn to be compassionate toward ourselves.  I'll never know what caused my son's death, and it took 6 years for me to finally understand that I hadn't failed as a Mom.  I could have come to that sooner, but I didn't know how.  Finally, a compassionate grief coach asked me the question, and I realized that I had truly done all that was within my power.  No matter what I did, I could not have controlled what happened.  I simply am not that powerful and neither is any other parent.  I can't even imagine what you're going through, Carmen; but I an tell you're hurting.  It does get better over time, but you need to be determined to make that happen.  You can cherish his memory and keep happy times close without dishonoring your grief.  The sadness will always be there be cause that person is gone from you life, but the agony recedes.
Logged

Charlotte Foust
Barb S.
Newbie
*
Posts: 1


View Profile
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2013, 11:45:17 PM »

We lost our son Kevin almost 9 years ago. It was very difficult, as all of you know. He was bipolar and overdosed on prescription meds mixed with street drugs. Two weeks ago today, our son Eric committed suicide. He had become a heroin addict, and although we paid for two treatment programs in the last year, I guess he just didn't believe he could stay off it. Ironically, we were at a family meeting in Portland at the last rehab center when he sent me his "goodbye" message, so I wasn't there to answer it. I think dealing with Eric's suicide is even harder than dealing with Kevin's accidental overdose. I am sorry I missed his call; I wish I could have talked him out of it, but I'm not sure I could have and now I'll never know anyway. It is an effort for me to even get up in the morning, and my husband just does everything he always does. He worries about me, but I can't be like he is, just living like nothing has happened. I am not totally isolating myself, but I am so sad and I don't want my friends to see that as there's nothing they can do, anyway. My cousins are having a reunion in 2 more weeks, and they all want me to come, but I think they expect me to come and be happy and I'm not sure I can do that. For someone who has been through this before, it seems like I haven't learned a thing.
Logged
Danis Mom
Newbie
*
Posts: 1


View Profile
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2013, 09:34:50 PM »

Barb S. - my heart is just breaking for you!  I too lost my daughter (age 25) 2 1/2 years ago.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and she died in her sleep at a known "prescription drug dealer".  Originally we all thought that she had overdosed on her pills (prescribed by a doctor that was know to just write prescriptions) - when autopsy results came back (almost two months after her death) it was stated that she died of "natural causes - due to bronchopneumonia".  I also have another daughter (she will be 24 next month).  She is struggling with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder.  She misses her sister so badly.  I worry about her every single day.  If I lost her I don't think I could even go on!  I am so so sorry that you are going through this pain all over again.  Sometimes it makes you wonder why God would allow something like that to happen again!
Logged
Rita
Full Member
***
Posts: 47


Emmanuel


View Profile
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2013, 03:28:44 PM »


Barb S
Not only are you going through the most difficult time in your life as a mother who has lost a child. You are going through it for the second time.  I want you to know that no one on this earth would expect you to learn from these terrible tragic events in your life because there is nothing to learn. The death of both of your children was not to teach you a lesson. It was never meant for us to understand death only Jesus understood death and he is the only one who holds the keys to death, hell and the grave.  He said we would understand it when he returned and the world ended. Barb, the death of your first child was very difficult. I’m sure just as bad as Eric’s death.  I feel the reason you feel that Eric’s death is worse than Kevin’s, is because Kevin’s death is something you’ll never get over  and Eric’s death just added to it. Each Child is different and I admire you for posting your feelings on here. Some people just hold it all in and just explode later. I don’t understand depression and how some people can get through it and others need help from other things like drugs and some just give up and end it all. I believe that depression is a sickness that a person cannot help how they feel, they know that they are sad but they can’t see where their happiness is going to come from they see no end to the dome and gloom of life I know a lot of people that are depressed and its sad how the cloud of depression is so thick around them that it is so hard for them to get through to see the happiness that they can have in this life. Barb S., I want you to know that you are loved and I’m praying for you and your husband and as far as your cousins having a reunion I think it’s a good thing for you and I hope you went to it.
Logged

Always trusting in God to see me through
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.19 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!