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Author Topic: Choosing & Change  (Read 894 times)
Josephs-Mommy
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« on: March 11, 2012, 03:50:15 PM »

Choosing and Change

About Me ---
I am called by many names.
Kimberly, Kimmy, Kirby, Kim and Perlie depending on who knows me and in what context our relationship is based from a certain time of my life.

For 4.5.1 precious years, I used to be Joseph's Mommy...and called Mom or Mommy by him or his Daddy.
Every single day, if I let my mind wander, I crave hearing Mommy from my son's voice.  
I hear these other names during my daily living and they are my name in every personal relationship but not the identity or the name I wish I still had and crave  often to be her still now.
  
Whenever in the real world,  and audibly I'll hear another child calling out to their mother "Mom or Mommy" -
it does send chills down my spine to this very day. As well, thoughts cross my mind momentarily I have not heard my son call me this in such a very long time. When home alone and doing this or that, I have even said the word aloud just to hear it and feel what it feels like to be Mommy.

This palpable grief or sudden thoughts and awareness taking me to the familiar dark side is jarring reality.  I can't explain when but it is definitely different and has been in the last 2 years.  There was a shifting and changing more than I even ever thought was feasible.  I was devastated like all of us here and wanted to not go on and wished to die to be with my son.  Not left here to pick up my life and live this journey without him here.

Me an older mommy ---stay at home after wanting to become a mother since I was a little girl from a broken home...
had been happier than I had ever been in my entire life being my son's mommy day in and day out.  I used to say "the days are long but the years fly by."
Little did I have a clue his precious and amazing days were numbered. Little did I know that time flies even through the darkest and worst years of grief.

There are older posts of mine counting the days or years or fill in the blank tasks to deal with after he died.  

Now it is over 6 years.  Again I am known to say the days are long but it is astounding it has been more than 6 years since Joey was alive.

After just a mere 4 hours from being home and having a Mother's intuition something was not "right" - drive to the pediatrician and she sends us to the nearby emergency room.  Something was not right to her either.... but not this little 4 year old boy was going to be pronounced brain dead in just 17 hours later from having 4 seizures in a hospital bed in a 2 hour time span.

Essentially, Joseph died quickly, basically in a blink from what we found out 2 months later was an airborne unknown virus.

Why him? Why us? What to do without him? How does this happen? Where do I attempt to start to reinvent myself with so many parts of my life not wanting to be redefined or needing to be different.

I did not choose this nor want this change - like any of us.

We are all naturally inclined to resist change.  We don't even like the time to change one hour falling forward or back like today Daylight Savings Time.
....Change is hell on a good day for most of us humans.  We like status quo.  We deal with the known's much better than looking for having to catch the curve balls from the changes in life.  Most of us are better at adapting to dealing with not making it worse.  Then the ultimate worst happened.  The ultimate how do I script this if I tried....it is inconceivable.  It is beyond cruel to walk the planet. It is virtually making every part of the way I knew life was supposed to be be tested. Who shows up? Who disappears too? Why can't they be here and support this hell and devastation and worst loss imaginable?

On my very wobbly legs back in the beginning, always with little awareness of others nearby  who can grasp or get it or have any clue what they focus on is so insignificant after your bury your son.

It never ceases to amaze me honestly for these over 6 years now how clueless some insensitive people can be.  
It is all about me now making a decision to be strong and not try to change them.  
It is not my job anymore to make others ok with what happened to me and the day Joseph died changed me forever and ever until I meet him on the other side hopefully when I die.

Just by putting one foot in front of the next --- every day; day in and day out just only doing what I want to do and not giving others any alternative to try to tell me to be different.

I choose if I dance, walk, write, plant, cook and exist all to my own self focused, i only answer to myself drum beat....it is amazing and it really does not matter to me what others think anymore with my physical steps in how I choose to live out the present day.  

And if or when the conversation to finding out this same version of Kim they have met or are getting to know now...is the Mommy who buried my only child now over 6 years ago....it is strange how I dismiss the compliment or the comments that I once painstakingly craved and sought out.

As I choose to believe my life has to go one day at a time on - and do my best to be present more and feel grateful and huge gratitude for the amazing child I got to be Mommy to for the time while it lasted is the best and most amazing part of my life then or ever.  And that is ok. This is enough for me.  There is no other replacement child or fill in the blank experience that will ever come close to feel as completely precious and wonder-ful and wonder-filled.  And this is ok to choose to be grateful for the time healing and changes in how it hurts less often and less than I could of ever imagined would happen.

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Loraine
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« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2012, 08:04:47 PM »

Kim,

As I read your posting, my mind goes back to the devastation we were all feeling five years ago.  Thank you for taking the time to write about how it was to finding a new reality.  I cried when I thought of the last five/six years as you came out of the blackness and found joy in living and not for minute am I saying it is plain sailing from here on.

One recurring theme on most of the postings is that the children we lost had so many special qualities, wisdom beyond their years, a deep love for their parents, their souls were gentle and caring, and somehow showing all the best attributes of the human nature.

I wonder if our children who passed knew when the came into this life, that time was short and gave it their all, loving and leaving behind wonderful memories of what we should strive to be in our own lives.

For those of you who are suffering in the complete anguish of your missing child, take Kim's posting to heart and know that although the days ahead seem impossible, somehow you will be sent signs which you 100% know are for you and they will comfort you and hold hope for the future in a way that you have yet to come to terms with.

You will still have to put up with family and friends who just do not "get it" when it comes to the physical and mental pain of your loss and have no understanding of the questions with no answers, guilt and self recrimination that are all part of the grief for our missing child.

Grasp on to the hope that some day you will not be feeling this deep tragic hurt, try and find ways which you will honour the life of your child, for example, just making a decision to have a shower, dress, perhaps remember a positive funny memory and feel the joy you had just to be close to them and the pride in being their parent both for the joyful times and for the times they may have pushed us to our limit, because in these instances, we also grew as parents.

I know that it is somewhat scarey to believe that any ensemblence of happiness will be in your life again but those of us struggled on through these first five years, know that it is possible and so want to comfort you in your sorrow and hold out to you the hope that "time is a great healer".

We will not know the reason for our children passing so early or how an only child could be taken from its wonderful loving parents until we meet our child again; hopefully they will give us a big hug and say how proud they are of us as we struggle blindly forward in their memory.

With gratitude and love
Loraine, Campbell's Mum






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