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Author Topic: wanting to live?  (Read 6277 times)
Loraine
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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2012, 09:04:21 PM »

Beth

I am sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter and my heart goes out to you and your husband.

I think most of us blame ourselves for events during the months leading up to our children's passing and we feel we should have noticed and intervened.  At the end of the day, we are not superhuman and I hope there will come a realization that you were doing the best you could and had to deal with with other stressors which were sapping your energy. 

Addiction by its very nature is often hidden and only becomes a factor in hindsight and even if you had suspected, you would likely have been very limited in what you could do especially when medical plans are not willing to give extended care.

I hope that you find some moments of peace and continue to write here.  I have been visiting this site for over six years and sometimes find it hard to believe that the sword of grief is no longer my constant companion.

It has been a long slow journey but it is true that there comes a time when you can look at your memories and feel a sense of thankfulness that you got to love your child and share time with them.  I understand that this may be unsettling to think of at this point, but the grief is devasting in these first years and has to be worked through using whatever tools work for you but at the end you get to see a different shoreline and somehow start swimming slowly towards it.

It is never the same life living without child and I cannot speak to losing an only child but it has to be the worst of the worst of any tragedy but I hope that you might find a little hope in the wonderful heartfelt postings on this site and wrap the words around you to help keep you afloat during these intensely dark days.

Thinking of you.

Loraine

Campbell's Mum
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Holly-Ashleys Mom
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« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2012, 11:10:14 AM »

Beth I know how you feel.  As parents of teenagers we are always the last to know.  Our childrens friends think they are protecting each other by not telling and we know that they aren't protecting them.  We never want to believe our
 children are doing things they're not suppose to be doing we are all guilty of that.  Taking care of a sick husband, Mom, Dad, Child etc. is always going to be a part of life and when someone is sick we focus on that and aren't aware of other things that may be going on at that time and this is also a normal part of life that is out of our control. 
Please try not to bet be so hard on yourself.  I know that seems to be impossible right now but do try.  My prayers are with you. 
Holly - Ashleys Mom
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Shelley
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« Reply #17 on: January 22, 2012, 04:31:17 PM »

Hi Peggi,

The 7 year mark was discussed in the research in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Forever-Means-After-Death-Child/dp/1583910808

It is a book about the loss of an only child or all of one's children. She did research on about 80 women and it showed that after yrear 3 most mothers stopped going down hill, the pain stopped getting worse. But only half of the mothers at this point started feeling better. And that half, at 7 years, started feeling they were living a life worth living. I live for the research in hope that I am one of the 50% who eventually felt they had more joy at the 7 year mark. I am at 3 years and cannot say for sure if I have stopped feeling worse every day, but it gives me hope to know that there is something magic or typical about this point. At first when I read it it seemed totally hopeless, but somehow I HAVE survived 3 years, just, and who knows.... One day at a time.

Then there is the other thing, that our cells are completely renovated ever 7 years, or re-created... it is a metaphor that helps me feel like my spirit may too.

I take every thing out there that promises hope for the future as something worth considering.

But we are all individual.. It is such a hard, long road. Lots of hugs to us all. xxx
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tjs mama
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« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2012, 08:53:16 AM »

This is my first time posting a comment on here. Brad I know how you feel, and all the others in this room. I am dying inside when I think about my only child. He had been doing drugs for years now. I knew it and I told him to stop because he would not continue to be lucky that he was playing with a loaded gun. On New Years Eve he took his last hit and I flew home to Ohio, my old home state, as my son had been staying with his grand pa..He was sooooooo sick I slept with him that night and felt him burning up and crying as his whole body ached. I thought it was withdrawal. I didn't know it was a blood infection. The next day I got him a room in a crisis intervention center and was thrilled. I dropped him off and left him waiting in the waiting room for a few minutes. i started to feel bad leaving him there so I went back to see if he had gone to his room and he wasn't there. By the time I was home for a bit they called and told me my son did not meet the criteria for detox. They also told me he'd had an accident in the waiting room and defecated himself twice. The guilt was bad then because  I felt like I shouldn't have left him alone. They told me that I needed to get him to the hospital. By the time i got him there his fever was raging.They put him right in a room and the Dr immediately came in and ended up moving him to the ICU. He was awake for 3 days. He keep telling me over and over he was going to die. Saying things like "Mom, why did I do this?" And that he wanted me to stay with him and not leave. His biological dad left when my son was 1-1/2 yrs old as he had beat me up and I pressed charges. He was extremely abusive and an alchoholic. TJ had been saying he wanted to meet his dad. I told him I would find him if he wanted me to. I was afraid tho that his dad hadn't changed and would be worse for him. For 2 days I slept all night in the waiting room.  I left him lucid to go to rest a bit and told him if he wanted me to tell the nurses to come and get me. i didn't even kiss him goodbye. When I got back to the room an hour later they had paralized him and used sedatives to knock him out. I was horrified and again the guilt set in again. I  just wished I would have kissed him good bye. The days were long and ugly.I prayed every day to God before this happened to lift the demons of addiction from my son and to help me find a way to take care of him. He was 30 yrs old and had to commit himself, we couldn't do it for him. When he was at the hospital I prayed the rosary every day at his bedside and begged God to give my only child a second chance. Every day I waited something happened. My niece got a hold of my ex, TJ's dad, and he flew in with his mom. He is clean and sober has been for 8 years and I felt sick to think that he might have been the one to help our son make it thru this addiction. Every day was different  one minute something positive, the next something bad. Finally on December 31 they pronounced him brain dead and removed life support. We went in and kissed him good bye and when we left his heart stopped and he was gone.
I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and acute depression and have been on SSI for a year now. I am totally and mentally distraught. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about it and start crying. I know this has only been 2 weeks but I am so raw and i hate to go to bed. I cry myself to sleep every night. I think about just putting myself to sleep for good and then I remember that TJ would not have wanted that. I coop myself up in the house all day and play games on the computer. It's the only way to take my mind off of things. The only grief support group is at the Church we went to, but my faith in God now is non existant. God was my strength all my life but now I am hurt and sad He took my only son. I blame myself without a doubt every minute. So does my son's stepdad as he was always the hardest on TJ and pushed him to get better and go to work. I don't want to live without my boy. He was the only light in my life and now the light went out. I honestly don't know where to go next. I am hoping being with people who feel the same as I do it will help me to overcome these ugly thoughts. I know I will never heal but I would like to feel like life is worth living and although I will never forget TJ I will be able to function with him in my heart.
I sympathize with all of you, using this web site, and also am thankful to be with people who know how it feels. I hope to spend many days talking to all of you about this and maybe one day the healing may start. My son was a beautiful loving boy but he lost his way. I still can't believe he's gone.
I am never thankful for another day but am thankful I found this website.
TJ's mama  Cry
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maria
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« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2012, 08:05:58 PM »

hi my name is maria my daughter rebecca was in a car accident in march she had turned twenty one a week before the accident that took her life and it is so hard to get through a day without her she has a three year old daughter that she lefted behind it is killing me knowing that my granddaughter will not be able to have the chance to grow up with her mommas love sometimes i feel like i can make it then i just lose it i miss her so much the pain is so hard i just feel lost like my life is over and i dont know what to do
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maria
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« Reply #20 on: January 24, 2012, 08:43:09 PM »

how do you go on i have a hard time just getting through a day i push myself so hard but i just cant seem to focus on anything i used to be so focused on my life but it just seems like everything and everyone is slipping through my fingers and i dont have it in me to fight i am just letting go of what used to be  beckys mom
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Holly-Ashleys Mom
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« Reply #21 on: January 28, 2012, 06:43:44 AM »

Hi Becky....I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.  I too lost a daughter 7 years ago she was 22 and left behind a 18month old son and 8 month old daughter. I know how you are feeling about them never knowing their Mom I think that is the hardest part cuz we feel the pain we think they are feeling on top of our own devastation it hurts so bad and I can say that that pain never goes away you just learn to live with it. You actually learn to live a completely different life than you did when your child was alive.  I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. Do you have custody of your grandchild? I sure hope you get to share in raising your grand daughter . I know it is too soon for you right now to be thankful for that. I remember the first months and nothing helped not even grandbabies for me just looking at them brought so much pain knowing they would never know their mom.  If you do have regular contact you can keep the memory of your precious daughter  alive for your grand daughter.  I am not able to do that.  After my daughter was taken from me (by her husband and this is what I truly believe just not enough hard evidence to prove it but I know he did it.and so do many who know the story) I had them regularly for about 4 months then their dad found another girl got her pregnant and moved out of state.  He plays games and holds any contact with them over my head, anyways my point is that I would give anything to be able to celebrate their moms bday with them and tell them all about her.   I have to hold on to the hope that they will one day be adults and will want to know all about their mom and I will be able to tell them everything. 
As far as going on with your life I guess the answer to that  we really don't have a choice.  That is what I tell people who say to me "I don't know how you do it, you are so strong I wouldn't be able to go on if this happened to me." Believe me I am not strong I hurt every day and still have days where I don't want to get out of bed but I know if I don't I will just sink back into that horrible black hole so I get up, get dressed and carry on with what I have to do to survive. Please don't think that I could do this right away,it took me almost 3 years to get to that point.  It takes time so don't push yourself. 
Everyone has their own way in the grieving process and there is no set rules to our grief.  We never get through or over the loss of our children we just find ways to get through a day or even an hour with the pain.
I pray that you will find some comfort in knowing we are all here for you and truly understand.
Take care and God's blessings,
Holly - Ashley's Mom
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Shelley
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« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2012, 06:06:20 PM »

I am so glad that this thread continues and that we all get to share our stories, our pain... all of it. sometimes I have nothing to say. But today I wrote another blog post about the isolation. You can read it if you want. I understand losing an only child. I wish I had a surviving one or grandchildren or a family. I don't. But I have worked really hard to find a different kind of support. I am so glad you are all here. xxx

http://www.bruisedandbattered.com/blog/
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SusanR
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« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2012, 04:07:12 PM »

Hello to all, This is my first time here and from what I am reading I am in the right place. I lost my 28 year old son on Dec 8,2011. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am in constant unbearable pain. I don't know how all of you do this everyday. I too don't want to get up in the morning. Each day is just another day filled with torture and sadness. I get up and do what I have to do but I feel like I am alone in all this. I don't know how to stop the tears and sadness. I can find no happiness, no matter what I do. Driving is especially hard. I have to turn on the radio just to keep myself calm enough to drive. I wish so much it could have been me that left this world instead of my son. I don't understand why he had to go and how he died just doesn't make any sense. I want to blame someone, I want to turn back the clock so I could save him. Why did he have to die alone? Was he scared, what were his last thoughts, was he trying to get help? I have so many questions and I know I can't find the answers. Everyone else in my world just seems to go on as if everything is fine. Things seem the same but everything is different. I can't find any ambition to do anything then just what I have to. I feel like I want to run away, go somewhere away from this constant pain and suffering. I want some hope to hold onto, something to be able to get through, but I don't know where to look. How could this have happened. Everyone says God won't give anything you can't handle, and I always believed that but now I am questioning that. I don't want to be strong anymore for everyone else, I want to crumble and have someone else pick me up. I want this horrible nightmare to be over and someone wake me up and tell me it was a nightmare.
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Peggi
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« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2012, 05:24:44 PM »

You are exactly where you must be. And what you are thinking and feeling is exactly what all of us along this path have thought and felt. It's truly awful. And the only way to do it is one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time. I certainly no longer subscribe to the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" theory. I'm done with that. There are people - and I sympathize with them - who are completely and utterly felled by losing a child. Totally annihilated. There will be choices you will have to make down the road. But right now, you just have to endure this one minute. Just this one. At this point, in my experience, that is all you can do. The choices come later. I don't know where you live but if there is a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends in your area, you may want to consider accessing them for support. It's not right for everyone; I just want to make sure you know it could be an option for you. I think your burden is amplified by the time of year. It's so hard. I am so sorry.
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ashvin2012
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« Reply #25 on: March 19, 2012, 05:54:25 PM »

Peggi,
I have not lost a child but I did lose my mother 2 years ago and at 22 years old, my world just crumbled and I didn't give myself time to grieve. I was so worried I wouldn't pop back from this that I had to prove a point and do it purposely because I know my mom wouldn't want to see me this way. Afterall, I had my younger brother and Dad to be strong for not to mention my bills didn't stop coming in the mail and my boyfriend loved my mom the way I did and I left him 300 miles away to stay home to help my family get through everything! I had not time to breathe and realize what was happening I was living in the motions and could not figure out when this horrible grief people said I would be feeling would come. Boy did it ever come and with a vegeance. You are so worried about making everyone else ok and trying to live your life as "normal" as possible that you forget about yourself! I did this and ended up helping others move on and 2 years later it hit me! I was a person I never knew I could be! I was sleeping all day and didn't want to work, cried days at a time for no reason would pick a fight at any moment to the point of insanity where I was convinced the devil had to be inside of me there was no other explanation. I want to say that it gets easier but it doesn't time does help but never heals and that was one thing I had to accept. You decide your life and no one else does. I told myself when I joined this site that I would never push religion on anyone because it is not my place and I dont know the beliefs of anyone on here but of course my faith helped. I know that without some kind of faith we would not be able to get this far! I will tell you that the loss of a child I know is yhe hardest thing you will ever go through. My mom would say she wanted to go before me or my brother because she would die if something ever happened to us but let me tell you that the pain of losing a parent is just as bad. Your child never had to feel the pain of that and be lost or scared or craving a mother's hug and kiss. I wish you the best and will pray for you and your family.
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