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Holidays and the "What to Do" When a Loved One Has Died

"As we move into these upcoming holidays, together we can create moments of meaning and 'continuing bonds' with those we have lost, whether we are the person who is grieving or the person who wants to know how to provide loving support." - Dr. Alan Wolfelt

For many of you, planning for the upcoming holiday brings a sense of excitement and is something you look forward to. For others, not so much, and that includes those who have had a significant person in their lives die—a person whose presence is so blatantly missing that the holidays become a time to "get through" rather than a time to enjoy.

You as the supporter

can make a difference.

And you as the griever

have many options.

It does not matter how many years that person has been gone. Love never dies, and that loved one will always be missed, especially during specific dates and holidays. The holidays are a constant reminder that someone beloved is gone. This is even more difficult if there is no mention of the person's name or, when gathered together, everyone acts as if nothing has changed.

Make these days meaningful.

We regularly hear, "What can I do to just get through these times? What can I do to at least minimize the sadness I feel during this time? How can I get my family and friends to understand how much it means to me for him/her to be included?"

The greatest gift you as the supporter can give is to do something, even a small thing, for a person who will be joining you this year and whose loved one has died. They will be forever grateful. And, if they cry, that's okay. You'll know that you have touched them in a meaningful way. If you aren't sure about any of the suggestions below, you can always ask the person, "I was thinking about putting out Jeff's photo this year, but wanted to make sure that's okay with you. Or is there something else you might prefer?"

The greatest gift you as the griever can give to yourself is to do something at some point in the day that is meaningful and includes your loved one's memory in whatever way you deem appropriate. Check out the suggestions below or come up with your own ideas.

For the Griever

"If you mention my loved

one's name, I may cry.

But if you don't,

you will break my heart."

Share this article. Show your family and friends this article so they will have a greater understanding of how the holidays can be made easier and meaningful.

New normal. Your holidays were once wrapped in love and family closeness as you celebrated together. With the death of a family member, others may try to "cling" to old family traditions, even though this may cause you much pain. Others need to try to accept that nothing will ever be the old "normal." If everyone can join together, then you can create new family traditions without leaving anyone out.

Acknowledge your loved one's presence and absence. Do something to acknowledge and remember your loved one at these times. In other words (pardon the poor grammar), "Don't do nothing." Hold a moment of silence, say a prayer, light a candle, arrange a place setting, share memories, visit the gravesite, etc. Have a family meeting (include children) to identify ways to acknowledge your loved one. Create one or two new rituals or traditions.

Talk about them. Talk about your loved one. Tell a favorite story, give a toast, write a poem, play their favorite song, go around the table and each person tell a story of gratitude about your loved one, or make a favorite food. These will help you express the importance of them, and then perhaps you and other family members will be able to appreciate the holidays with an even deeper and more meaningful significance.

Children. No matter the age, children are grieving too, and the holidays are also difficult for them. Listen to what is important to them, and then see if you can incorporate their hopes or wishes into the holidays without completely giving up what you need. You can also break the day up into smaller segments of various types of events, such as opening presents at home as a family, a visit to the cemetery as a family, dinner with relatives, and then home early where you share memories of your loved one, work on a puzzle, or watch a movie. Have a family meeting (including children) to identify ways to acknowledge your loved one. Create one or two new rituals or traditions.

Plan ahead. Talk with others about the reality that your loved one has died and that therefore your life (and your celebrations) will feel and be different. Make a plan regarding how you will get through the day and with whom you will spend it. Think about spending time with other "like hearts" and people who are compassionate and understanding of your needs. There is a decided advantage in thinking ahead about what you want the day to include and with whom you want to spend it. If you haven't told others what you would like for the holidays, then do so. No one is a mind reader, and what is comforting to you might not occur to someone else.

Grief group or therapy. If you are in a grief group, discuss your concerns and possibilities in group. Don't hesitate to meet with a grief professional to assist you in deciding what to do. Trained grief professionals can help you articulate your feelings, fears, hopes, losses, and concerns. When those are expressed, you will be better able to figure out what you can and can't handle.

Expectations. Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself. You do not have to celebrate the holidays in exactly the same way you did before. Plan your day, keeping it simple. Allow yourself time to face the hard reality of your loved one's death (in a manageable dose) if you think you can do so this year. For some, celebrating the holiday according to family tradition may be a comforting coping strategy. If it is not, allow yourself to take a break.

Perspective. Death puts things into perspective. Since the death of your loved one, many of the routine things that you used to care about may now mean almost nothing at all. Some of the festivities and all of the hubbub might, for now, seem meaningless. Reassure yourself that eventually you can come to a new and deeper understanding of each special day and how you will handle it.

Take care of yourself physically. Because the holidays can be physically draining, especially if this is your first or second experience with a holiday since the death of your loved one, respect your mind and body. Failing to take care of yourself physically will only add to your fatigue and frustration.

Rethink the holidays. If you find yourself dreading spending time with people who won't talk about your loved one, who carry on as if everything is the same, who ignore your requests for simple things, and who seem to avoid and ignore the fact that this day is one that is difficult and requires some greater sensitivity and understanding, then you might need to rethink how you will spend this holiday season. Maybe it's time to take a break and do something different. If you haven't told others what you would like for the holidays, then do. No one is a mind reader, and what is comforting to you might not occur to someone else.

A new take on shopping. If you have to shop, and it either seems like a daunting task or you don't want to be anywhere near stores, shop online or send a gift card. You may also ship items to a loved one if you are not spending the holidays together. If you simply cannot shop at all, that's okay. Let others know that you will not be exchanging gifts this year. Another possibility is to have your family members make an agreement that no one will exchange gifts this year or make an agreement to only give gifts to the children.

Your role. Think back to how you celebrated the holidays. What was your role in the celebration? How might that be different now that your loved one has died or that you aren't able to be together? Begin to consider how you might want to handle your traditional ways of celebrating this day following his or her death.

Connect. Find a way to see and hear your other friends and families. There are many platforms out there today, such as Zoom and Facetime. Research shows that people who are grieving are more in need of some form of connection during the holidays.

Invitations. If you accept a holiday invitation to someone's home, give yourself some leeway. Be up front with them when you accept the invitation, letting them know that you will try to participate, but that you may well excuse yourself at some point. We suggest that you not host an event until you are truly ready to do so. As a guest, you can leave when you want or even cancel at the last minute. As a backup plan, you might also wish to consider making alternative plans that may feel more comfortable.

Make room for them under the tree. Put up an ornament or other object that is a reminder of your loved one; something that invokes their presence. You can be sure that its simple presence on the tree will also invite their presence into the room and into the thoughts when anyone walks by, conveying the feeling that they are indeed with you during this season in your hearts and minds. If you have children, include them in this process. In fact, they could make a special ornament or object for the tree.

Various religions do not celebrate Christmas. For you, create a special object that you will place somewhere that will invoke your loved one's presence as part of your special celebration.

Write a letter. Writing to your loved one can be meaningful and gives you a chance to express what you want to say. Recall several memories you have of the holidays in which this person played an important part. In that letter, write:

When I think of this holiday without you, I feel …
The thing I miss most on this holiday without you is …
Or just let them know what is going on in your life.

Photos/Movie. Get out photos and sit together as a family remembering, sharing, and hopefully laughing as you recall that moment in the photo. Put together an online photo montage of everyone in the family and watch it together (a new take on a slide show).

Memorabilia. Go through cards, letters, pictures and other personal memorabilia associated with your relationship with your loved one. Re-live the occasions as you review the mementos. Again, this should only be done when you feel ready.

Share memories. Ask your friends and family to write down their favorite memory of your loved one and share them via email or while you are together. Then you can collect them in a keepsake book.

Bring a memento. Bring or wear something of your loved one that's meaningful and special to you, such as a piece of clothing or jewelry.

Photo display. If you are visiting someone else's home, ask that person to display a photo or some other memorabilia of your loved one.

No have-to's. Remind yourself throughout the holidays that there are no "have-to's." Your heart has been broken, your life has forever been changed, and you are simply attempting to find what will and what won't work for you as you rebuild your life without your loved one.

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle and tender with yourself. Seek out the softest place to land so that you are in a position to honor your loved one, while also creating new traditions. One day you will most likely look forward to holidays filled with the true meaning of the holiday spirit.

Help someone else. Some find it meaningful and special to reach out and help another on this day. You can find a shelter or other place where they need servers, food to be delivered, someone to talk to, or some other type of help. You can make this part of the day and then the rest of the day is about your family. Include your children in this.

Accept help. Ask for help. Delegate. Utilize the resources and support available to you (extended family, close friends, neighbors, community groups, religious organizations, school community, etc.). Accept offers to babysit, help with cleaning, prepare meals, have someone else host, etc. Task others with baking, decorating, and gift wrapping.

Give the gifts that keep on giving. Select a small gift, maybe even something of your loved one's, to give to each child on your loved one's behalf. This can provide both a cherished "linking object" that honors their unique bond with their loved one, and also serve as "conversation starters" about shared memories of a heartwarming or humorous type.

Invite them to the table. This is something that is not for everyone, but some families find it meaningful. If you really want to invoke their presence, set an extra place at the table for them. The empty chair would be a strong ritual statement of both their presence and absence.

"If you mention my loved

one's name, I may cry.

But if you don't,

you will break my heart."

Read the suggestions in the griever's section above. Many of the suggestions above also apply to those who want to know how to support someone who is grieving.

Change expectations. Grief, especially in the first year or two, can be physically exhausting. If you can, allow your loved one to take a different role on planning and/or preparing and cleaning. They may insist on helping, and that's okay too.

Gifts. Depending upon the loss, some mourners find it hard to pick out gifts, at least for the first holiday and sometimes even longer. Be patient if they ask whether it's okay to skip gifts this year. In fact, you can even suggest it. The time will come when mourners get back to being able to buy gifts.

Children. Regardless of how old the children are, if they have lost a loved one, whether or not it's a parent, sibling, grandparent, or other, they are grieving too. Remember to include them in special ways that are age appropriate. Young children can be engaged in play or other fun activities, while teens might not want to talk about their loved one and instead be doing other things, such as sports. Take your cues from the teen or even ask the parents ahead of time what they think would be best.

Perspective. Just as with the griever, a significant death puts things into perspective. Many of the things that used to be exciting and fun to those who are grieving are not that way right now. Eventually they will find that "new normal" they are grappling with, but they will never be the same person they were before. Their view of life has changed on many levels, and as painful as that is, it is also a life-affirming experience. They need your love and patience if they just aren't into doing things the way they used to. In fact, they may truly feel as if much of the holidays are utterly ridiculous unless the days include a deeper meaning.

Connect. If they are not joining you in person, connect with them and their family through Zoom or another platform so they aren't too isolated and feeling alone and forgotten. Even a simple phone call to say hello is nice.

Ask them. Talk with those who are grieving and will be joining you and ask if there is some specific way they would like you to honor their loved one. You might even send over this list of suggestions and ask which of these, if any, they would like.

Ahead of time. One of the most difficult things for the griever is when there are guests who do not know that they have lost a loved one, especially in the case of a child or spouse. As part of getting to know each other, a guest will always eventually ask, "So, do you have children ... ?" It's uncomfortable for the person who asked the question, and it's very difficult for the person who has to answer. Let your guests know ahead of time that your brother will be attending and recently lost his wife.

Talk about them. Talk about the loved one in the normal course of a conversation. If you say, "I remember when my son was visiting colleges ... " and the grieving parent chimes in and says, "I remember when Beth was visiting colleges ... ," go with the flow. Don't look down, go silent, or act as if talking about the person who died is taboo by changing the subject.

Photos. Get out photos and sit together as a family remembering, sharing, and hopefully laughing.

Photo display. Put a framed photo out.

New normal. Understand that this person is having to figure out how to live without their loved one, and they need your love and patience as they do. They are not broken, so they don't need to be fixed, just given a lot of loving kindness. Know that, as you journey with them, they will find that "new normal" that they will follow for the rest of their lives, and it would be great if you were alongside them in ways that are healthy and supportive.

Acknowledge your loved one's presence and absence. Do "something" to acknowledge and remember their loved one. In other words (pardon the poor grammar), "Don't do or say nothing." Tell a story about their loved one, acknowledge all of those who are no longer there and do so by name, include loved ones in the blessing, light a candle, arrange a place setting, visit a gravesite, share a nice memory, etc.

Make room for them under the tree. Consider contributing an ornament to the Christmas tree that invokes their presence. You can be sure that its simple presence on the tree will also invite their presence into the room and into the thoughts of those who walk by, conveying the feeling that they are indeed with you during this season in your hearts and minds.

Change it up. Think about going somewhere else to celebrate the holidays, such as a restaurant or even out of town. Many families do this, and it works well because you are creating a new and different approach that the lost loved one was never a part of before.

Remember. Death ends a life, but never a relationship. The person will always carry their loved one with them wherever they go and will always want to keep their memory alive and talk about them. This is normal and healthy. Help create a space where it becomes the norm to do so regardless of how many years it's been.

Make it okay to cry. It's healthy and normal to cry, especially when surrounded by others whose families are intact and their loved one is glaringly missing. If you create a safe space for them, you will have given them a true gift.

Make them feel welcomed. "I'm so glad you are here with us" or "If there's anything I can do to make the day easier for you, just let me know" or "I miss her too." Avoid saying things like, "It's okay, don't cry" or "He wouldn't want you to be sad" or "Let's not talk about that." Avoid all platitudes, for they are not comforting.

Thanks to Susan Whitmore, Dr. Robert Neimeyer,

and Dr. Alan Wolfelt

for your input and suggestions.