For the Griever
"If you mention my loved
one's name, I may cry.
But if you don't, you will break my heart."

Share this article. Show your family and friends this article so they will have a greater
understanding of how the holidays can be made easier and more meaningful.

New normal. Your holidays were once wrapped in love and family closeness as you
celebrated together. With the death of a family member, others may try to "cling" to old
family traditions, even though this may cause you much pain. Others need to try to
accept that nothing will ever be the old "normal." If everyone can join together, then you
can create new family traditions without leaving anyone out.

Acknowledge your loved one's presence and absence. Do something to
acknowledge and remember your loved one at these times. In other words (pardon the
poor grammar), "Don't do nothing." Hold a moment of silence, say a prayer, light a
candle, arrange a place setting, share memories, visit the gravesite, etc. Have a family
meeting (include children) to identify ways to acknowledge your loved one. Create one
or two new rituals or traditions.

Talk about them. Talk about your loved one. Tell a favorite story, give a toast, write a
poem, play their favorite song, go around the table and each person tell a story of
gratitude about your loved one, or make a favorite food. These will help you express the
importance of them, and then perhaps you and other family members will be able to
appreciate the holidays with an even deeper and more meaningful significance.

Children. No matter the age, children are grieving too, and the holidays are also difficult
for them. Listen to what is important to them, and then see if you can incorporate their
hopes or wishes into the holidays without completely giving up what you need. You can
also break the day up into smaller segments of various types of events, such as opening
presents at home as a family, a visit to the cemetery as a family, dinner with relatives,
and then home early where you share memories of your loved one, work on a puzzle, or
watch a movie. Have a family meeting (including children) to identify ways to
acknowledge your loved one. Create one or two new rituals or traditions.

Plan ahead. Talk with others about the reality that your loved one has died and that
therefore your life (and your celebrations) will feel and be different. Make a plan
regarding how you will get through the day and with whom you will spend it. Think about
spending time with other "like hearts" and people who are compassionate and
understanding of your needs. There is a decided advantage in thinking ahead about
what you want the day to include and with whom you want to spend it. If you haven't told
others what you would like for the holidays, then do so. No one is a mind reader, and
what is comforting to you might not occur to someone else.

Grief group or therapy. If you are in a grief group, discuss your concerns and
possibilities in group. Don't hesitate to meet with a grief professional to assist you in
deciding what to do. Trained grief professionals can help you articulate your feelings,
fears, hopes, losses, and concerns. When those are expressed, you will be better able to
figure out what you can and can't handle.

Expectations. Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself. You do
not have to celebrate the holidays in exactly the same way you did before. Plan your day,
keeping it simple. Allow yourself time to face the hard reality of your loved one's death (in
a manageable dose) if you think you can do so this year. For some, celebrating the
holiday according to family tradition may be a comforting coping strategy. If it is not,
allow yourself to take a break.

Perspective. Death puts things into perspective. Since the death of your loved one,
many of the routine things that you used to care about may now mean almost nothing at
all. Some of the festivities and all of the hubbub might, for now, seem meaningless.
Reassure yourself that eventually you can come to a new and deeper understanding of
each special day and how you will handle it.

Take care of yourself physically. Because the holidays can be physically draining,
especially if this is your first or second experience with a holiday since the death of your
loved one, respect your mind and body. Failing to take care of yourself physically will
only add to your fatigue and frustration.

Rethink the holidays. If you find yourself dreading spending time with people who won't
talk about your loved one, who carry on as if everything is the same, who ignore your
requests for simple things, and who seem to avoid and ignore the fact that this day is one
that is difficult and requires some greater sensitivity and understanding, then you might
need to rethink how you will spend this holiday season. Maybe it's time to take a break
and do something different. If you haven't told others what you would like for the holidays,
then do. No one is a mind reader, and what is comforting to you might not occur to
someone else.

A new take on shopping. If you have to shop, and it either seems like a daunting task
or you don't want to be anywhere near stores, shop online or send a gift card. You may
also ship items to a loved one if you are not spending the holidays together. If you simply
cannot shop at all, that's okay. Let others know that you will not be exchanging gifts this
year. Another possibility is to have your family members make an agreement that no one
will exchange gifts this year or make an agreement to only give gifts to the children.

Your role. Think back to how you celebrated the holidays. What was your role in the
celebration? How might that be different now that your loved one has died or that you
aren't able to be together? Begin to consider how you might want to handle your
traditional ways of celebrating this day following his or her death.

Connect. Find a way to see and hear your other friends and families. There are many
platforms out there today, such as Zoom and Facetime. Research shows that people
who are grieving are more in need of some form of connection during the holidays.

Invitations. If you accept a holiday invitation to someone's home, give yourself some
leeway. Be up front with them when you accept the invitation, letting them know that you
will try to participate, but that you may well excuse yourself at some point. We suggest
that you not host an event until you are truly ready to do so. As a guest, you can leave
when you want or even cancel at the last minute. As a backup plan, you might also wish
to consider making alternative plans that may feel more comfortable.

Make room for them under the tree. Put up an ornament or other object that is a
reminder of your loved one; something that invokes their presence. You can be sure that
its simple presence on the tree will also invite their presence into the room and into the
thoughts when anyone walks by, conveying the feeling that they are indeed with you
during this season in your hearts and minds. If you have children, include them in this
process. In fact, they could make a special ornament or object for the tree.
Various religions do not celebrate Christmas. For you, create a special object that you
will place somewhere that will invoke your loved one's presence as part of your special
celebration.

Write a letter. Writing to your loved one can be meaningful and gives you a chance to
express what you want to say. Recall several memories you have of the holidays in
which this person played an important part. In that letter, write:

When I think of this holiday without you, I feel …
The thing I miss most on this holiday without you is …

Or just let them know what is going on in your life.

Photos/Movie. Get out photos and sit together as a family remembering, sharing, and
hopefully laughing as you recall that moment in the photo. Put together an online photo
montage of everyone in the family and watch it together (a new take on a slide show).

Memorabilia. Go through cards, letters, pictures and other personal memorabilia
associated with your relationship with your loved one. Re-live the occasions as you
review the mementos. Again, this should only be done when you feel ready.

Share memories. Ask your friends and family to write down their favorite memory of
your loved one and share them via email or while you are together. Then you can collect
them in a keepsake book.

Bring a memento. Bring or wear something of your loved one that's meaningful and
special to you, such as a piece of clothing or jewelry.

Photo display. If you are visiting someone else's home, ask that person to display a
photo or some other memorabilia of your loved one.

No have-to's. Remind yourself throughout the holidays that there are no "have-to's."
Your heart has been broken, your life has forever been changed, and you are simply
attempting to find what will and what won't work for you as you rebuild your life without
your loved one.

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle and tender with yourself. Seek out the softest place to
land so that you are in a position to honor your loved one, while also creating new
traditions. One day you will most likely look forward to holidays filled with the true
meaning of the holiday spirit.

Help someone else. Some find it meaningful and special to reach out and help another
on this day. You can find a shelter or other place where they need servers, food to be
delivered, someone to talk to, or some other type of help. You can make this part of the
day and then the rest of the day is about your family. Include your children in this.

Accept help. Ask for help. Delegate. Utilize the resources and support available to you
(extended family, close friends, neighbors, community groups, religious organizations,
school community, etc.). Accept offers to babysit, help with cleaning, prepare meals,
have someone else host, etc. Task others with baking, decorating, and gift wrapping.

Give the gifts that keep on giving. Select a small gift, maybe even something of your
loved one's, to give to each child on your loved one's behalf. This can provide both a
cherished "linking object" that honors their unique bond with their loved one, and also
serve as "conversation starters" about shared memories of a heartwarming or humorous
type.

Invite them to the table. This is something that is not for everyone, but some families
find it meaningful. If you really want to invoke their presence, set an extra place at the
table for them. The empty chair would be a strong ritual statement of both their presence
and absence.