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What Grieving Children Need
An Easy-to-Follow Guide to Help Grieving Children
From child grief experts.
Do you think young children don't grieve? Do you think young children will eventually get over the loss or forget that it occurred as they get older, the way they will forget other things in life?
If you said yes to either of those questions, you are not alone. Many people believe one or both of those answers to be yes. The truth is that all children of all ages grieve. Of course, children don't show grief the way a teen or adult does, which is why it's important that those around a grieving child know what to look for and know specifically what to do.
Lauren Schneider, LCSW, MSW, a children’s grief expert, gave us the answer to the do children grieve question right in the title of her book, Children Grieve Too.
“The way you and the children
operate during the first few weeks
will set the stage for the future." Schneider
Another child grief expert Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. states, “Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Even before children are able to talk, they grieve when someone loved dies.”
According to Wolfelt, “Caring adults, whether parents, relatives or friends, can help children during this time. If
adults are open, honest, and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for children to
learn about both the joy and the pain that comes from caring deeply for other people.”
When dealt with in age appropriate ways, children will learn about their grief feelings and know how to best deal with them now and as they go forward in life. It takes loving, supportive, and "grief-educated" adults to help them do just that.
And that's where you come in:
Parent, grandparent, sibling, relative, caregiver, neighbor, therapist, school counselor, teacher, and anyone else who has contact with the child should learn this information.
"How adults respond after
someone loved dies has a
major effect on the way children
react to the death." Wolfelt
Below is a video link to a poignant and beautiful exchange between Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper where they share about losing their siblings and Stephen's father when they were very young, how confusing and painful it was, how no adult in their lives helped them properly deal with or understand what was happening to them, and the difficult journey they both had of working it out on their own. Even with loving parents, their parent's lack of understanding and skills to help their sons resulted in a lifetime burden.
Steve Kalas, a behavioral health consultant who works with grieving children says:
“It’s not ‘optimism’ that grieving parents do well to model for their children. Optimism is not always appropriate. What children are looking for from their parents during a time of tragedy or loss is a model for hope and endurance. Hope is not 'everything is going to be fine.' Because some things are never going to be 'fine.' Hope is more like a deep commitment to the idea that life is essentially good and no tragedy has the power ultimately to rob life of its goodness.”
Kalas goes on to explain that endurance is the word he uses for not giving up. He says that to endure means, “Not allowing any loss to convince us to ‘mail in’ the rest of our lives or to spend our days with an entitled chip on our shoulder. Cynical inertia does not become any human being, no matter how profound the loss that seems to justify it.”
Kalas says the words he will often share with parents go something like this: Your heart is broken. It affects the way you sleep, eat, and think. In a perfect world, you could take the next six months off, and the rest of us would just take over. I know it’s unfair, but you have a job to do while you’re grieving. You’re still a mother or father. Your job is to teach your children about grief —how grieving well brings healing. How pain and tears don’t kill you; rather, they expand you and make you 'more.'
Kalas points out that different age groups will respond to parents’ grief differently.
"Make sure you tell your child that
you can and will still take care of them
and be their mommy or daddy. This is
one of the most important things for
children to hear." Schwartz
Toddlers and early elementary-age children tend to be some combination of inquisitive, curious, and anxious about their parents’ sadness. They will stare. They will ask, “Why are you crying?” They will say, “Don’t cry.” They will crawl into your lap and physically rub the tears off your face and sometimes pet you.
Renee Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D., child and teen grief expert, suggests saying something like this in response to a child's concerns, “Mommy (or Daddy) is feeling really sad right now. One way that I show my sadness is to let out my tears by crying. And when you love somebody and then they die, you feel really sad.”
Schwartz says it’s also important to let your child know that, even though you are crying and sad, you are going to be okay. “Make sure you tell your child that you can and will still take care of them and be their mommy or daddy. This is one of the most important things for children to hear. Often when children try to comfort you, show empathy, and take care of you, they are also wanting you to take care of them. So that’s why it’s important that they know that, even though you feel these things, you will still be there for them.”
It’s also important that you stay true to your own grieving while also modeling healthy grief by saying things like this:
“Mommy (or Daddy) is really sad right now.”
“I’ll be OK, I just have to get the tears out.”
“Tears are really important.”
“When you love somebody, sometimes you have to cry.”
The messages are:
Dad (or Mom) is sad.
I am going to be OK.
Life is good.
I won’t give up.
I am here for you.
How to Support
Grieving Children
Step by Step
Breaking the News
Schneider says that children develop physically, cognitively, and emotionally well into their 20s, so it is
important when speaking with them to use age-appropriate language. Children cannot tolerate intense
emotions or focus their attention for as long as you can. So when letting your child know how and why their
loved one died, she says an age-appropriate example is like this: "The doctors tried lots of medicines and
treatments to help Daddy get better, but there wasn't any medicine that would make Daddy's cancer go away,
so his body stopped working, and he died."
Use the word died with children and, depending upon the age, you might need to explain what
died means.
"Don’t try to force your child to
talk about what they are feeling or
about their loved one."
How to Explain What "Died" Means
Schneider states for children under the age of 7 or 8, you will most likely need to explain what "died" means.
She uses these words:
“When someone dies, they can no longer hear, move, see, or smell and we will never see them alive again."
Being direct about death may sound harsh, but all research shows and specialists who work in this field agree
that being direct yet gentle with a child is what works best for them to understand the overall essence of death.
Approach a Child’s Grief from a Developmental Perspective
Schneider shares that it may be weeks before things begin to settle a bit and people get back to routines of
their lives after the death of a loved one. She says, “The way you and the children operate during the first
weeks will set the stage for the future. Though it may be hard to find the strength, establish yourself as the
leader of the family while respecting the children’s roles and individuality.”
By expressing their grief, children also learn resilience and coping skills. You are also teaching them to regulate their sadness in a balanced and healthy way. They are still going to go to school and be with their friends, and you are teaching them that on top of being sad it’s also okay for them to have friends, feel happy, and have fun.
On the other hand, protecting children from their feelings, even painful feelings, does not help them build resilience and coping skills that they will need and use for the rest of their lives.
Wolfelt says that how adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way children react to the death. He says that sometimes parents feel that not talking about the death will spare children the pain and sorrow. The reality is that children will grieve anyway trying to find their own way of dealing with it when they don’t have the maturity or skills to do so.
A couple of age-related notes from Schneider's book Children Grieve Too are:
- a. Preschool (2-5 years): Don’t understand death related concepts. They don’t know that death is irreversible and permanent. (This section in Schneider’s book is very important. You can order it below.)
- b. Elementary (6-11 years): Are concrete thinkers and want details to help them make sense of the death, but they may not be ready for strong emotions for very long and may prefer not to talk or even think about what happened.
Stay Away from Euphemisms
Schneider and Schwartz warn that avoiding euphemisms when talking about death with your child is very important. For instance, it's not helpful if you use phrases to describe how the person died such as "passed away," "lost," "went to sleep" or even "died in his sleep" since such euphemisms may only confuse children. Children may become fearful that they too may be "lost" or die in their sleep. Also, Schneider suggests staying away from religious euphemisms like "God needed him," "God took him to Heaven," or "It was God's will." Even though you as an adult might find these ideas comforting, you need to think about how a child's young mind understands things and that a child cannot reason why God would do such a thing and may become afraid that God will take others they love.
Be Honest with Your Child
It is imperative that when you speak with your child about grief you are always honest, again in age- appropriate ways. For instance, Schneider points out not to say that people die because they are “sick.”
People die due to a specific medical problem, accident, or other cause. Telling a child his brother died because he was sick will make the child fearful whenever anyone else gets sick.
Schneider suggests that you can say something like this: “The doctors gave your brother lots of medicine and treatments to try and help him get better, but there weren’t any that would make his cancer go away, and his body stopped working, and he died.” Or “Your brother was crossing the street and a car hit him. His body was hurt so badly that the paramedics and doctors could not fix him, and he died.” Or “Your daddy’s heart wasn’t working properly, and it stopped beating, and he died.”
Schwartz reiterated you never, ever lie to children. If you lie, they will eventually find out and you could lose their trust as being the place where they can go to always hear the truth.
Involve Your Children in Mourning
Rituals Schneider suggests involving your child in creating some part of the service and, depending upon age and ability, helping carry the casket, singing, or speaking at the service. Although some people might shy away from this level of involvement for their children, Schneider states that current understandings of grief suggest that children derive the same benefits as adults when they participate in mourning rituals.
Wolfelt adds that allowing children to be a part of the planning and arranging of the funeral, even though they may not understand the ceremony, helps establish a sense of comfort and the understanding that life goes on. He confirms that children should have the opportunity to attend any service, just as adults do. And, as Wolfelt says, “allowed” to attend, not “forced” to attend.
Schwartz added that when you ask your child if they want to attend the service, you can say something like this:
There is going to be a gathering and it’s called a funeral (or a memorial) and there will be others at the funeral such as (names the child knows). This is one of the ways for everyone to gather together and say goodbye to ___. These people come because they love ___ very much and are also sad. Sometimes people might cry, hug each other, just have tears in their eyes or even just look sad, and sometimes people don’t cry at all. So would you like to come with us to this funeral? We will have ___ (here you can offer a name of someone the child feels close to and comfortable with) come too in case you don’t want to stay the whole time, so you can leave any time you want.
Establish a Warm, Helping, Supportive Relationship
Wolfelt says, "Respond to children with sensitivity and warmth. Be aware of your voice tone; maintain eye contact when talking about the death. What is communicated without words can be just as meaningful and impactful to children as what is actually said."
And More Helpful Pointers for Grieving Children
- Be a good observer. See how each child is behaving. Don’t rush with explanations. Ask exploring questions rather than give quick answers.
- Don’t expect children’s reactions to be obvious and immediate. Be patient and available.
- Reassurance comes from loving people. Children feel secure in the care of gentle arms and tenderness.
- Don’t allow anyone to tell any of your children that it is now their job to be the man or woman of the family or that it’s now their job to look after the surviving parent. Don't say, "You are now the man of the family."
- Be honest about your own feelings. By doing so, children have a model for expressing their feelings. It’s not only okay to cry, it's natural, normal and healthy! • Allow children to express a full range of feelings, including anger, guilt, and despair.
- Don’t be surprised if your children are more rebellious than usual.
- Listen to children. Don’t just talk to them.
- No one procedure or formula will fit all children. Be patient, flexible, and adjust to their needs.
- Get back to routines where there is familiarity as soon as possible.
- Allow yourself to grieve and do so around your children.
- Create an atmosphere for supporting one another when the inevitable waves of grief wash over you. Remember, you can cry in front of your children.
- If available in your area, get your child in a child grief group with licensed therapists or certified counselors specializing in child grief and/or play therapy.
- Teach your children ways they can comfort themselves.
- Don’t try to force your child to talk about what they are feeling or about their loved one. Let it come up organically.
- Help your child keep the memory of their loved one alive by helping them maintain a connection through photos, recordings, memory boxes, conversations, shared memories, and family activities. Encourage family members to help you with this. Some children even like having a framed photo of their loved one in their room.
- Let children know that grief is a “natural” feeling when someone loved dies. Adults can model that it’s okay to be sad and to cry, and that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever.
Questions and Answers
Our children grief specialists share some of the most asked questions, along with their answers.
Wolfelt said to encourage questions about death and be patient with answering. Children may repeat the same questions over and over, also natural. Receiving answers to their questions helps them understand and adjust to the loss, as does hearing the same answers to the same questions over and over.
Schwartz also stated that it’s okay if you don’t know the answer to a question. She suggests the following:
“That’s a really important question. I’m glad you asked me that, but I don’t know the answer right now. So I’m going to talk to people who know more about that than I do so I can give you an answer soon. Okay?” You are also being a great role model by teaching your child that one doesn’t always have to know everything and that other people can help.
- How do I know if my child needs therapy?
According to Schneider, “As a rule, if your child is experiencing significant difficulty in two or more areas of their life, they may benefit from a short course of family or individual therapy. For example, if their schoolwork is fine but they are having difficulty at home or with peers.” - Why is my child so afraid when we are apart?
Schneider states that your child now knows that death happens and can even be unpredictable. Help your child deal with this by making sure your child knows how to reach you and by being consistently present when expected, such as pick-up times.
Schwartz says it’s normal for a child to be more vulnerable and feeling a sense of separation during this time. Children will think “Well, if this person can die, what about my mommy or daddy?” Even though you should never promise a child that you will not die, you can reassure them that you will probably be around until they are very old. If the fear goes on for more than a few months, you might want to consult with a child therapist. - Is there a wrong way to deal with this grief?
Yes: Being stoic and pretending nothing happened; going into too much detail or inappropriate age-related detail; never talking about your loved one, especially as time goes by; not allowing photos to be displayed; if you re-marry, forcing the child to refer to the new person as mother or father (let the child decide what to call this person.). Family child therapists can be helpful with these issues.
A special thank-you to our three
therapists who lovingly and generously
shared their wisdom:
Lauren Schneider, LCSW, MSW
Renee Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.
Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
If you would like to learn more, make a consultation appointment, or have specific questions, feel free to contact:
Lauren Schneider, LCSW, MSW, Los Angeles, California
Clinical Director of Child & Adolescent Programs, Our House
(310) 473-1511; direct (310) 231-3181
Renee Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. – In private practice in Santa Monica, California
(310) 560-9837
Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. - DrWolfelt@Centerforloss.com or visit his website Centerforloss.com